IVF and the Newlywed

We have news!

2010-01-10T18:28:00.000-08:00

Yes, we have good news!

We've also moved websites, and would love for you to join us...
Romancing the Stone
http://www.romancingthestone.wordpress.com

Wishing you the very very best!

A Little (Baby got) Back-story

2009-12-21T11:01:00.000-08:00

I love this time of year. Besides the manic rush to fill everyone's stocking with things they don't need-I blog, and dream, and get lots of comments. I treasure every comment someone takes the time to leave behind as I do believe they fill me with some superpower juice. (Perhaps it's just the meds).

The Bear does not understand my fascination with blogging (something, by the way, I thought I would NEVER do). G-d forbid he catches me tweeting. I tell him it's kind of like his unbridled obsession with football, or with sugary breakfast cereal. "You know when you paint your belly blue and you go out there in the freezing cold and have a tailgate party at Gillette Stadium? " I explain "All that (dare I say) brotherhood and bonding over pony kegs??? Well, that feeling you get is what blogging gives me (without the hangover)."

A little hooyah for all my sisters on the "Visiting" team. Our stats might be questionable, but we are here to kick some @ss!!!!!

: Random strangers

And we don't have to paint our bellies blue to do so!
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For those of you visiting this blog for the first time, I wanted to give you a little backstory. I am a 41 year old newlywed. That might sound rather "golden aged" but I still get carded and have wonderful skin. I feel 28 on the inside when I am not pumped up on meds.

I always aspired to be a high powered career girl with many lovers and pool boys who would fan me with palm fronds. The career developed beyond my expectation, but the lovers were duds and no pool boys materialized. One day I read this ridiculous article in O Magazine where the writer suggested that if you put your INTENTIONS into the would, you would reap a bountiful harvest. She said you had to write a list of 100 things you hoped to find in a partner, to fully actualize your hope in your mind. I had nothing to loose, as I found the love-over-30's dating scene to be somewhat lackluster, so I gave it a try. I got stuck around #64 I remember, but I mustered on. I remember asking that he "had a job", "had nice hands", "was devoted to his family" and "cracked me up" among more direct and personal hopes. (These hopes might seem simple and shallow but you would be AMAZED at some of singletons out there!) Writing this list made me feel somehow empowered. But as most "life changing" resolutions go, I quickly forgot about it.

About six months later, I met this crazy guy after a string of horrid internet dates. On our second date, he insisted on cooking dinner for me in my tiny condo. I noticed his big hands. As he passed me a glass of wine, I thought about my penchant for pool boys. Was this somewhat better?

After a few dates we began sharing our history. I told him things in the hope of scaring him away, so that I could resume my independent life. I mentioned that I had pursued adoption through foster care (then on hold), and had explored being a single mother by choice (unfortunate miscarriage). Surprisingly, he did not run screaming from my life. Instead, he somehow understood and expressed his desire to one-day become the father he always wanted to have. He was a keeper.

We were married five months later.

After we were married, I stumbled on that journal of "man-traits" as I was cleaning out the office. I was surprised to see that it felt as if I was describing him! The only pitfall- the "# 72.stylish dresser" is sometimes questionable, but hey, he still ROCKS in those nylon wind pants and that shade of acid washed jean will one day come back again!

So that's our story. Fifteen months into our marriage and we have endured extensive prodding and poking (and not in the good way,) several losses and many bumps and cheers on the road to baby hood. We have also experienced countless tears and laughter. I would never want to do it with anyone else.

Write your list. Then throw it away. It probably won't bring you additional luck, but it's nice to put your hope and intention into the universe.

(Thanks Elizabeth)

Wishing you joy.

Sweet Article about Motherhood, Adoption and Love

2009-12-15T10:37:00.000-08:00

: My family c.1972

This is one of my favorite articles on motherhood. The Bear read it to me a few weeks ago when we were at a little cafe before puppy shopping. (No puppy, but the day was wonderful....) Enjoy!

Baby, what a difference

A decade later, a lot has changed in the world of motherhood

By Louise Kennedy, Globe Staff | December 5, 2009
Babies don’t change much from one era to the next, but babyhood sure does.

At least that’s how it feels as I compare the arrivals of my two children, more than a decade apart. I gave birth to our son 12 years ago, and this summer my husband and I met our daughter in China, one week after her first birthday.

OK, so technically that makes her a toddler, not a baby, and certainly there are plenty of differences between preparing for a newborn and bringing home a 1-year-old. But the two of them are so startlingly similar in temperament and habits - both alert, curious, and cheerful (or, as I say in my grumpier moods, lousy sleepers, into everything, and loud) - that it makes it easier to see that, even with only 11 years between their births, they’ve landed in two surprisingly different worlds.

I started noticing the changes even before we flew to China in July. When I was pregnant with C.J., I read a few books, talked to a few friends, and made a list of the items we’d need. A friend supplied the crib, my mother bought a deluxe stroller, and for the car seat we went to Babies R Us, checked out the five or six models on the shelf, and picked the one that looked sturdiest and easiest to clean. Diapers, onesies, board books, done.
For T.T., on the other hand, things seemed much more complex. That was partly because the slowdown in adoptions from China meant that I had more than three years to make my lists. But the real difficulty, I think, was simply that there was so much more information available than before - and instantly, addictively available, too, via our new friend the Internet.

The trouble became most apparent once we’d actually received some basic information about our daughter, so that I finally knew (roughly) how big she was and what kind of car seat she’d need. But why schlep to the store, I thought, if I can just shop from the comfort of home?

And thus began my three days of Car-Seat Craziness. I quickly discovered not just the shopping sites, but also the online reviews and arguments about every imaginable style and brand of car seat. Issues I had never even considered - matching seat precisely to vehicle type, fretting about the compression factor of winter coats, locating an inspection site - soon flooded my brain.

Finally, sated with data and dizzy with ratings, I pointed and clicked on the model that I’d liked at first sight - and then found it for $100 off because I was willing to choose a less popular fabric.

Which brings me to another oddity about Planet Baby 2009: the new obsession with style, not just in all those adorable little outfits (now far cheaper and more accessible than in the dark ages of 1997) but in every accoutrement of infant life. Designer diaper bags? For 200 bucks or even more? When I knew that, no matter how stylish, in a year the thing would sit, beat-up and becrumbed, next to the sippy cups and snack holders in a box headed for Goodwill?

On the other hand, sippy-cup design and snack-holder technology have really come a long way in the past 12 years. That, plus all the cute, cheap clothing, is my happiest discovery in this brave new world. Oh, and baby sign language - something I’d dismissed as a yuppie trend back then, but now fully embrace as a remarkable way to soothe the frustrations of a young person who has plenty to communicate, but just can’t do it with her vocal cords quite yet.

Significant advances, all. They almost make up for the baffling, and dismaying, rise of electronic technology aimed at infants. If there’s one way I’d turn back the clock, it’s by eliminating all the toys that produce nasty flashes and beeps. Of course, that might take us back to 1897, not 1997, so never mind.

So many changes - it’s almost enough to blog about. Except that that remains the single most incomprehensible difference of all between babyhood then and now. I am just as tired, just as busy, and just as besotted with this baby as I was with the last, and I assume that all the other new mothers are, too. So where, how, and when do they find the time to blog?

It’s a mystery, and one I’d be happy to contemplate at length, except that the baby just woke up from her nap.
Some things never change.
Louise Kennedy can be reached at kennedy@globe.com, but not very often until her maternity leave ends next month.

Sending LOVE

2009-12-14T10:15:00.000-08:00

Hello all you gorgeous women out there.
I just wanted to send you some good energy!!!!

Listen, I spoke with the Bear last night, and we decided that whatever we hear later today regarding (our pregnancy test )will have to be kept between us until after Christmas. As much as I would like to share our results with you sisters, we feel it best to have a face to face with out families first-and we won't see my side until we fly out for Xmas day.
Plus my mother, sister and sister in law are following this blog from time to time, and I wouldn't want them to get their news (good OR bad) through the blog.

Also, I know that things change and the beginning is so fragile. So if the news is good, I'd just like to sit with it for a little while before putting it out on the blogosphere. If it's not good, I'll definitely need some processing time!

Deep breath!!!

I will say however that I am thinking of all of you. Everyone who has read this blog or has left a comment, and I have you all in my heart : )

We did the reverse the curse rituals last night and I have to say that it did fill me with a lot of girl power and happiness before the PT. I must say that sleeping on the opposite side of the bed was super fun, and having an "afternoon delight" first thing in the morning really started the day off right! So no matter the outcome I am covered in good luck charms today and feel full of good energy. I highly recommend making your own rituals to get through the Pregnancy test!
Wishing you well!
Shell

Willing the G-ds of Fate : Part 2

2009-12-12T08:35:00.000-08:00

Happy Hanukkah to all you Jewbies out there!

For those of you that don't know the story of Hanukkah, it's really about faith. I was not raised very religously, so let me give you the Brooklyn skinny. Long, long ago there was this group of Jewish folk who were being persecuted. They took refuge in a temple. They had only one lamp, with oil for one night in it. Somehow, the lamp burned for eight days instead of one, and that's how they knew G-d was with them, and G-d had their backs.
Last night my Italian-American husband and I lit our menorah to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. Being married to a Jewish princess, my dear one is getting accustomed to all of these "unusual rituals". Last year he walked uphill in the snow to surprise me with candles for our menorah. This year he made us a feast (of roast beast and mashed potatoes) and got me a glow in the dark dredel.

So we lit our menorah to celebrate to first night of hanukkah. We said a prayer. We put the small photo we have of our little embies next to the candles in a makeshift alter.

Hopeful, our G-d has our back. Hopefully She/He knows how very much we hope to add on to our family.

I know that everything happens in its own time. I do not know if our children will be born through our bodies, but I am assured in my heart that they WILL come in to our lives when the time is right.

As far as willing the G-ds of fate into reversing the cycle of devastating news after our past IUI's andIVF's I have decided to simplify my action plan, so I am not overwhelmed by ritual. The following is my abridged action plant for blood test day:

1. The Bear and I will sleep on opposite sides of the bed. That way I will truly be starting the day on the right foot.
2.I have been soliciting "good luck" charms from a few friends. I will bring these tolkens with me to the test. You can't have too many wishes from friends.
3. I might still eat ice cream for breakfast.
4. I just surprised the Bear with two skybox tickets to this Sunday's Patriot's game (a gift from a dear friend) so I hope the great sex the night before the test is still a possibility....
5. Possibly flowers and words of affirmation left among post it notes by my desk...

Easy enough....
Any comments you leave for us will be added to our GOOD LUCK treasure trove!!!!!!

Whatever your faith, I wish you the BEST and I hope G-d had your back!!!!
Love, Shell

Willing the G-ds of Fate

2009-12-09T15:17:00.000-08:00

I’m still at the tail end of the two week wait. We are trying to decide if it’s best to have the nurses give me the news of my blood test, or have them call the Bear. I want to be IN CONTROL and hear it, but I don’t want to be stuck between meetings weeping in the bathroom stall (as before….).

Sometimes it feels like the movie“Goundhog’s Day” where we remain in a cycle of horrific repetition. We get the same news every time. I am always told I am pregnant, but the numbers are too low. They make me do other bloodtests and wait till the number is zero before they leave me alone. It makes me feel like my soul is holding on to a faint heartbeat that is getting slower and slower until it stops. It’s been terribly painful for both my husband and me.

Obviously I cannot control fate, but if I can break out of the cycle of repetition, perhaps I am doing something in my small way to WILL the g-ds of fate to give us a new solution. What if I do everything differently on the day of our blood test? Here are some of my ideas so far. I'd love additional feedback and other ideas. Even silly or outlandish ones....

1. I will wear something very bright, even though it's winter in New England. That way the g-ds of fate may take notice and I will proclaim "This is the day!"
Maybe I'll wear a lucky necklace or something I haven't worn before...

2. I will get my blood drawn at another location.

3.I will have massive sex the night before. That's not something I would normally do before the test.

4. I will begin the day eating something unconventional- like ICE cream for BREAKFAST.

5. I will leave myself little notes of affirmation at work, so no matter what the news, I will see these little wise and supportive thoughts.

6. I will go to temple a few days before. It will be Hanukkah no less! (If I am not feeling particularly Jewish, I will create my own little temple and say a prayer somewhere...)

7. I will send myself flowers...(????)I have not done that- so no matter what the outcome I will get a little present of love.

8. I will leave a little WISH note in the third stocking we have hanging on the mantle. That way our wish is out in the universe.

Any other ideas???????? Any favorites.

Please say a little prayer for us and our embies! Every little bit helps....

Poem: Starlings in Winter

2009-12-08T09:55:00.000-08:00

This poem was on NPR Writer's Almanac today. I loved it and wanted to share it with you...
Wishing you joy...
Shell
Dec. 8, 2009
Starlings in Winter
by Mary Oliver

Chunky and noisy,
but with stars in their black feathers,
they spring from the telephone wire
and instantly
they are acrobats
in the freezing wind.
And now, in the theater of air,
they swing over buildings,
dipping and rising;
they float like one stippled star
that opens,
becomes for a moment fragmented,
then closes again;
and you watch
and you try
but you simply can't imagine
how they do it
with no articulated instruction, no pause,
only the silent confirmation
that they are this notable thing,
this wheel of many parts, that can rise and spin
over and over again,
full of gorgeous life.
Ah, world, what lessons you prepare for us,
even in the leafless winter,
even in the ashy city.
I am thinking now
of grief, and of getting past it;
I feel my boots
trying to leave the ground,
I feel my heart
pumping hard, I want
to think again of dangerous and noble things.
I want to be light and frolicsome.
I want to be improbable beautiful and afraid of nothing,
as though I had wings.
"Starlings in Winter" by Mary Oliver, from Owls and Other Fantasies: Poems and Essays. © Beacon Press, 2003

Starlings in Flight: Watch Video

Nesting: For more information on these beautiful birds. Click here.

A hen atop eggs

2009-12-02T08:14:00.001-08:00

I feel as if I have run a marathon in my mind. Acknowledging I was going to take on the challenge of infertility was one thing. Yet another was getting up and over that first hill. But we did it! We had 18 egglets which developed into 8 embies, 5 of which were plump and beautiful. I said a little prayer for the remaining 3 as they were not able to be saved or put back into my womb.

It’s so hard. This process. The questions about when life truly begins. Still, I cannot help but feel immeasurably blessed to have the benefit of science and the support of loved ones through this journey.

When I was younger- still a sassy single lass- I considered becoming a single mother by choice. I also explored adoption through foster care. I have so much respect for men and women who follow their heart and take on convention. The only thing holding me back, was that I was not ready at the time. But I am proud I explored it, and I went as far as I could go with it. Sometimes, pulling out of the race takes as much courage as staying in it.

So now I sit here, like a plump hen atop a handful of eggs. I am in such gratitude it is inexpressible. That is my way of coping and surviving through this trying time. To sit in grace, if even for a moment.

Everything happens in its own time. I would not be the woman I am today if I had reached the finish line any earlier. I would not have been with my husband, whom I discovered later in my life. I would not have this strength within me, this smile on my face, or this appreciation for this phenomenal, although imperfect body.

I would not appreciate the gifts we hope to receive nearly as much if they were given to me easily.I have been lucky to be successful in life, but I have worked hard for all I have achieved. And as much as a “career girl” as I may be , I am happy to feel like a hen atop eggs today.

Whatever happens, I welcome it with grace.

Thank you g-d for giving me the opportunity to run this race, and to do so with such beautiful wonderful women whom I have met on this marathon…

My best to all of you

Shell

A Birthday of Sorts

2009-11-30T08:03:00.000-08:00

It’s one of those days outside where you can’t tell if it’s 10am or 4pm. This transitional haze seems to coat everything. Still I feel like it’s a BIRTHday of sorts! Today is the day of our IVF transfer.

This will be our 3rd and I am cautiously hopeful that the day will go well. Our first transfer was a bit of a debacle. The attending RE was cruel and insensitive and kept yelling at me not to talk or move through the procedure. I felt like a chained animal. So primal and frightened. I heard later from the nurses that he’s been known to lock ladies out of the bathroom so they keep a full bladder for the procedure. He might be a brilliant Dr., but I hope someone pees on him one day!

So Crazy MD recommended that I be “knocked out” for transfer #2 so I wouldn’t cause any more havoc in the Operating room. I couldn’t agree more with the concept of sleeping through a very vulnerable experience and waking up slightly high and happy. Unfortunately, they forgot to tell me to have some water before I arrived, and when they tried to administer the IV they had to stick me 14 times before I made them stop. There was blood all over the floor and my husband was turning blue.

I opted for valium.

MMMMMMMMMmmmmmmm! Valium. Now I know what they mean my the term mother’s little helper!

Luckily the IVF Dr. #2 had soft and gentle eyes and was wonderful. He kept me distracted and I was able to get through it. I also realized after round 1 that I can’t have my husband in the OR with me. I just feel too vulnerable and get very self conscious.

I really liked the Dr. who did the retrieval this week. Everyone at BWH Boston was awesome and I felt very well cared for. At times I tried to pretend I was at the spa (wishful thinking ) and they were working on my energy from the inside out. I hope the transfer Dr. will be equally kind and ease me through this.

At this point of the IVF journey, you have had so many people in your “business”. You don’t think twice when you are prodded and poked in your naughty bits. But that transfer is the hardest part for me. It’s like a reunion with hope and these little bits of life that I love so much! Fate is back in your hands, and even though much of it is out of your sphere of influence, a bit of life is re-deposited inside you.

Each time you have to go through another doorway on this journey- sex for fun to sex for baby making, talking to a specialist, testing, clomid, IUI,IVF, etc….you find this immeasurable strength that you didn’t know you had before. Two years ago, I never imagined that I would choose to do IVF. Now I am on my 3rd try and I thank g-d for the gift of modern science.

Women are strong, we keep on going. I love that.

Wishing you the very best….

Three Little Stockings

2009-11-29T12:01:00.000-08:00

18 follicles at time of retrieval. 8 developing embies as of yesterday. I hope hope hope the numbers stay good and we have some strong little ones for the transfer tomorrow.

I’ve been so restless today. I can’t sit still. It’s a gorgeous day in Boston and I had to take off and get lost in TJ Maxx, only to buy a ton of stuff I don’t really need. I felt a little twinge as I walked past the children’s christmas pajamas. Even through I will NEVER dress my future child in sparkly gingham and lace, it felt a bit like a them vs. us moment.

I did do something unexpected. I bought 3 Christmas stockings. Quite remarkable for several reasons:

1. I am Jewish!

2. We already have some tacky holiday stocking somewhere in the basement.

3. There are only two of us, right now…..

I just couldn’t help it. They were surprisingly lovely. Heavy gauge sweater knit and crocheted in beautiful patterns. For The Bear- a cream colored stocking of gorgeous cable knit with gold trim. For me, a funky stripe of red, pink, lime green and white. And for XXXXX, a sweet little red fairisle with red pom poms.

I thought it might be interesting to mount all three on the mantle. To fill the little one up with wishes and notes that we could save until there’s a new person in our family to read them to. Notes of love and wishes that they come into our lives soon.

****************************************

On a different note, I have discovered a “cycle buddy” all the way in New Zealand. We write to each other and send some good energy across the pond. It’s Egghunt! Check out her blog. And if you are cycling with us, drop us a line. It’s been nice to stay connected.

I wish everyone reading this peace, love and good fortune.

Shell & The Bear

Sexy Drawers and Egglets

2009-11-27T08:15:00.001-08:00

17 egglets as of Wednesday. Pretty exciting news. The nurse on the phone was so sweet, filling us in on the details and telling us about our 2am HCG shot. I even wore cute underwear for the shot. I know it’s stressful for both of us, and I figured having sassy-pants on would at least make us feel a little more like US ! So I got out of my frumpy pajamas when the Bear was setting up the shot, and put on my cutest pair of drawers that he hadn’t seen before. I bent over the pillows and “assumed the position”— for the intramuscular injection that is! The needle looked HUGE. It usually helps me if I sing or try to laugh or cough while it’s going in. (I learned that from my acupuncturist). For some reason, I just started saying “Ho,ho,ho,ho,hoooow!”. I sounded like an S&M Santa !

I don’t know if it was the relief that the shot was over, my new lacy drawers, or my sexy Santa impersonation, but the Bear started getting a little amorous. Of course, then we start laughing hysterically because we CAN’T do anything about it, since we have a pact with the RE to go 3 days before the transfer without any lovin. We are just cracking up because of the irony of all this. Me saying, “what’s another few hours, they’ll never know! I’ll only need 17 of your guys on friday!” The Bear saying he wants “optimal results and we have to wait.” Obviously he’s “driving the car” on this one and who am I to mess with the laws of science? It’s just silly that you have to NOT have sex in order to make a baby through IVF, but I know he takes his numbers VERY seriously. Funny nonetheless. I think I won’t forget that soon!

The first time we ever tried to do the HCG trigger shot (for IVF#1) we were in a skybox at the Boston Garden. My friend had given us 2 tickets to see the Celtics Playoffs on the Bear’s birthday. It was a great night, surrounded by friends and drinking free beer in the skybox. We went in the bathroom at 8:30pm, and my friend kept watch at the door. It turned in to a nightmare! The HCG vial had somehow broken in its paper box and the powder and glass were everywhere! We rushed to the hospital hoping the Center for Infertility would have a spare vial in the Hospital pharmacy. For 3 hours, the physicians in the ER called everywhere, trying to procure a tiny replacement. I thought I was going to loose all my eggs. Then, around 11:30 pm, the pharmacist from a Village Pharmacyhad unlocked his lab and hand delivered another vial. I can’t tell you how I cried! The next day I sent him and his staff 2 dozen cookies and became a fan forever!

So this time was obviously better than HCG#1, although the Celtics game WAS fun! I think this experience, as daunting as it is, has brought me and the Bear closer together. I am glad to have him here with me through this process.

So instead of writing about how I am scared and anxious about today, I will say that I am THANKFUL for the opportunity to try to add on to our family. I am THANKFUL for our dear friends and family who have supported us through this journey. And I am THANKFUL for love, and for fate, which has brought me to this moment.

Fingers, crossed, chest, out, tail-feathers high!

WHAT ARE YOU THANKFUL FOR TODAY????

Make it a Dozen!

2009-11-22T16:12:00.000-08:00

I have 10 egglets so far! Just little seedlings of things to come but the RE said it’s very promising. They lowered my stim meds because my estrodial level was soaring too quickly. They called me a high responder? Sounds like the nerdy kid at the front of the classroom with her eager hand up in the air (yes that WAS me! Nerdy girl).

I just wish that the quality of my old eggs matches my body’s enthusiasm.

41.

To have found love at 40 and be trying to conceive at 41. It’s kinda crazy. I have colleagues at work with pre-teens with body hair. But hey, I always imagined I’d be successful and unattached, travel the world and have many lovers. I was lucky in the regard that I DID get to live the life I longed for. I checked off many of the boxes on my life-list and eventually I decided to rewrite my list. I remember telling a friend, who was struggling in an unhealthy relationship, to figure out where he wanted to be on the day he died, and work backwards. I realized I needed to heed my own advice and decide what stories I wanted to have at the end of my life.

That story led me to where I am today.

If I am indeed “working backwards” than I know intuitively what I hope lies ahead. I don’t know how I will get there yet, but I am happy to be on this journey toward a deeper truth.

So my 10 little egglets are making their way in the world. The Bear came with me to the ultrasound today but I couldn’t stop laughing when it was time for the dildocam. There’s something about your lover seeing you with your legs in the air and a plastic probe under your gown that really makes you self-conscious (you THINK!!!!). And the gown- Jeezus- that’s the first thing I’d like to redesign! How bout something RED and fabulous for all of us strong, mighty bitches out there!

(I mean bitches in the nicest way- if you are on meds I am sure you know that!)

The Golden Goose

2009-11-21T11:13:00.000-08:00

On the way to the Hospital to get a bloodtest, I watched a flock of geese navigate the busy highway. One would expect them to fly across, ascending the swiftly moving cars that were in their way. Maybe they were lazy, but they chose to walk across. All twenty of them! Chests out, beaks pointing upward.
Obviously if you had to pit a goose -even twenty geese- up against a swerving, angry car, the geese would, in all probability, get creamed. What goose in their right mind would CHOOSE to waddle across a Boston thoroughfare at rush hour! But here they were, sachaying proudly toward their destination, the last patch of green grass in the city square.

I feel like one of those geese today. Chest out, walking briskly towards the hospital. Sachaying towards ....what? Perhaps the odds are not in my favor. Maybe the machine of fate and infertility is bigger than me. But still I'm walking!!! Confronting it head on. And now I have sisters.I have lifelong girlfriends and my own sister as well as new partners I've made on this journey. We're all golden geese crossing the highway together. Prancing around with our RubyFeathered tails.
There is strength in numbers.
Faith trumps Fear.

Love,
Shell

Child's Play!

2009-11-16T10:54:00.000-08:00

Good news!

We had our first girl-power mixer for the RubyFeather Social Club last night and it was AWESOME. I never met so many women who I would totally love to be friends with. It was wonderful to hear the stories of others and share strengths and support. I believe that everyone left energized and hopeful, really feeling this if they had sisters on the journey toward motherhood.

In addition to that I can proudly say I DID IT! I gave myself the menopur shot this morning. Yes, I was still sweating and a little nervous, but I played some Joss Stone tunes and did a little power dance before I plunged the needle in my belly. Hooyah! I can't believe it, but I felt EMPOWERED! I had control over something for once. I think I am going to take the syringe away from my husband, and do it myself more often.

On a funny note, the Bear left me the HCG needle instead of my teenie 30 gauge one. I was mixing the solution and getting ready to add the needle when I thought- Cruel joke! What was he trying to do? Kill me???? Once I found an appropriate sharp (a wee dwarf of the HCG needle,) it seemed like child's play.

A big thank you and cyber hug to everyone who has left me a comment. IT'S HELPING!!!!!
Go ladies go! Let's make some cute babies around here!

Sleepy Hollow

2009-11-15T07:33:00.000-08:00

I have so much to do today, but I need to “get this out”. I am not sure what words or patterns will form here, but I need to open the padlock to my hope chest and set a few butterflies free.

I tried to call my RE to postpone this IVF cycle. With the passing of my Uncle and the stresses at home and work, I just felt like it was all too much right now. I went over timing with the nurse and it’s pretty impossible to just push it out a month because their lab closes for the holidays and they have cutoff dates in November. If we wait until January we have to get approved again from our insurance, and our deductible will be HUGE.

My body and mind need TIME, but there is now way to barter for time right now.

So we began the basline tests yesterday. I went to the Ultrasound lab at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston and tried to send a little good energy to the ladies who sat near me in the waiting room. I need to reach out with a smile and a whisper of “good luck” to my sisters on this journey, because I know how desperately I flourish under the support and kindness of others.

We started the Gonal F last night and now do menopur in the am. That sh!# burns! Tomorrow I may have to give myself the injection (and it scares me). Me, in my seemingly professional power-suit, sweating and shaking over the kitchen sink with a needle in my belly. The image makes me want to cry…

Breathe, kiddo. That’s about all you can do right now.

Gosh, I could use a hug (or a valium : ) )!

A View from the Ceiling

2009-11-03T21:09:00.000-08:00

Still in Florida. My Uncle is still in a coma. Yesterday, the Doctor in the ICU described his condition as a "catastrophe". He said Uncle might remain in a "vegetative state" and that he had bleeding on both sides of his brain. He said we had to be prepared, and that they were doing more CAT scans to confirm their assumptions. If we took him off of the ventilator he would not breathe on his own. If we waited, and the tests confirmed there was no brain function, we could keep him alive, attached to machines and feeding tubes for the rest of his existence. "Or".....I dare not go in to the or as it is a decision I hope no one in the world ever has to make. At least the "Or " would provide an end to his suffering. That long elusive word, "dignity" hung around his neck like an invisible rosary.

There were more than a few moments when I felt as if I had left my body and was floating above the conversation, hearing everything through a muffled blankets.

I spent half the day floating around the ceiling. I stroked his hair and caressed his arm while I told him stories of my baby niece and my new husband. My dad was grieving in a silent, tormented way. He was telling his brother to wake up or he would sell his new television.

We met with his social worker to understand (and help translate) all that we heard. I was supposed to be in charge of the meeting so my dad could breathe and absorb it all, but I couldn't hold back my emotions. My Uncle'scase worker told us that if he did not improve, we should decide if my Uncle would wish to stay on life support or pass on. She said no one would rush us to make that decision. Then she told us about a thing called Hospice.

It was difficult to sleep last night. Dad and I tried to take joy in simple things- We spotted a pair of iguanas in an empty lot by the beach. We ate an abundance of Jewish pastries. It brought the term " carbo loading" to a whole new level.

We went back to the hotel to extend our lodging and push out our flights. I spent a few hours trying to get my husband a ticket to join us. I have been married a year and it is still hard for me to accept support from those that love me. The Bear will be a welcome addition to ourcoterie in the coma ward. He is steady and loving, and he's studying medicine (a plus in this case). He has a certain distance to the situation, and hisunwavering care and concern will help steady me through this.

On the computer in the hotel room, struggling for a signal. Then it's "ooooooooh, ooooh, eeeeeeeewwwwwwoooohhh" through the walls as a couple started to bump de bump for what seemed like HOURS. Mind you, I am sharing a hotel room with MY FATHER and this woman is SCRRRRREEEEAMING at the top of her lungs.

Talk about awkward.

I wanted to bang on the wall and say "Get a ROOM!" But isn't that what they did???? Could I blame them?

Impossible to sleep. Worry kept me awake. And then the 2am redoubt of the opera of moaning next door. It sounded like they were killing chickens in there! Dad snoring, lady coming and all I could think of was GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!!!

But the sun comes out in sunny florida and today was a different story. Yes, they were still at it at 6am, but we left quickly for more carbo loading and a trip to the ICU. Uncle's new CAT scan revealed that his brain was doing better than expected, but he was experiencing seizures every time they tried to pull him out of his coma. The Doctor said there was a glimmer of hope. I asked her what she recommended and she said, let's give him time. "Time is all we have right now," I replied.

Let's give him some time.

This is one of the most important times of my life. This is something that changes you and once you pass that doorway and experience something like this, you cannot go back.

It just makes me realize how precious family is. I hope my Uncle knows how much I love him.

That's enough for tonight....

Sweet dreams and love to you, dear reader. Thank you for listening.

Dear Uncle

2009-10-31T18:26:00.001-07:00

I write this from a hotel lobby in sun-bruised Hollywood, F L A. I’m visiting my Uncle who had a terrible stroke. When I say those words, “Uncle in a coma” I always feel like it’s just some weird and horrible joke told by an old Jew with a cigar… The famous “Uncle in a coma” joke second only to “Who’s on First”. It just seems too awful to be true.

It’s so horrible it can ONLY be a joke. It’s so visceral and raw. I’ve never loved my father more, or been so exhausted.

Every time they try to take him out of his coma he has a seizure. His brain is still very active from the stroke. I want him to have dignity. DIGNITY!!!!!! I was happy today when they brought him a special bed in the ICU.

I brush his hair and tell him how sorry I was for being LATE. How I am here NOW and he will never be without FAMILY again.

Call your mother. Tell someone you love what they mean to you today. REALLY.

And if you are reading this, say a little prayer for Eugene. And for every hurting, lonely soul who needs a bit of kindness. Moments like this make me realize how lucky and blessed I have been. I wish I could give him some of this blessing…

Thank you for reading this…

Shell

RubyFeather is now on Facebook

2009-10-28T08:20:00.000-07:00

So many ladies have written to say that they love the idea of our new girl-power group for those of us navigating the big IF. I have to say that it is so wonderful to get such an outpouring of support.

We have set up a facebook page so folks interested in Rubyfeather and what it represents can connect and support one another. This page is global, so you don’t have to live in Boston to become a member.

Also, by joining this page or becoming a “fan” you can help us spread the word about RubyFeather. I tried to keep the main premise of the group somewhat discreet in description.

Here’s the link….http://www.facebook.com/pages/Boston-MA/RubyFeather-Social-Club-New-England/160954877470?ref=share

Won’t you be my facebook friend?

The Man Who Came to Dinner

2009-10-27T16:01:00.000-07:00

Why is my manicure DRY ENOUGH to type a new post, but not dry enough to post some bills????? Hmmmmmm....
Funny that you have time to do the things you long to do (if available to you) but never enough time to do the things you distaste?

I go back to work tomorrow. I took a few days off to be with my parents. They were visiting from California. Big Brooklyn Jews, with the striking accents and the dramatic hand gestures. My Mother, so warm and funny, seemed to be loved by strangers wherever she'd go...

My dad is still in Florida. His Brother is in a coma and has just had a stroke. They found him on the floor of his apartment. I worry about my Uncle, and about my Father, who was orphaned at 30. HisFather died of a stroke so I imagine this weighs very heavily on him.

My Uncle is one of those difficult, eccentric men that you WANT to love because he is your "family". He has eyes like my father, and because of this, I tried desperately to love him. Still, he often said or did things that were hurtful or cut deeply, and he was sometimes cruel toward my Mother. My Mother who every stranger in the world seems to love.

I remember he once asked me if I was a lesbian, because I was still single at 29. This, he said, as he took his sticky dentures out and placed them face up on my kitchen table, so he could enjoy a slice of cheesy Brooklyn pizza. There's nothing wrong with being a lesbian, had that been my choice, but to be accosted with insinuation by a hairy, toothless man in my single-girl kitchen was just too much!

I want to love him. And part of me does bacause he is my Grandmother's son, and I know she is my guardian angel. I guess we make some interesting, celestial love triangle. The Grandma I never knew, my Uncle, and me....

It's complicated....

I was single (by choice) for so long, and I remember that universal fear. Something happens, you slip or are hurt, and because you live alone you think you might not be found for days. And g-d forbid if you have pets! Hungry pets, I won't go into the details...

I love my Uncle because I know he meant well (most of the time). He just did not know how to "say" it like everyone else. It was as if a streaky window separated him from my family. He was always on the outside of the window. And it was stormy out there...

I am closer by blood to my Uncle than my own husband. My husband who becomes more my soul mate every day. My Uncle, found on the floor of his apartment after suffering a stroke. My Uncle, still in a coma, having a seizure every time they try to pull him out of it. My Uncle, who loved me, paralyzed on his left side.

Why do I feel so angry?

pork & (In)perfection

2009-10-24T14:20:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking about this social club we have just started, and I am so excited by the positive response we have had thus far. We are less than two weeks old and have 20 new members in Massachusetts and Maine. I’ve gotten so many wonderful notes from readers who would love to join, but live too far. I wish we could do happy hours via skype so every woman who needed a network, could find herself in our big Boston Bear-Hug.

I first began this blog to break out of the bubble of isolation that this journey toward family can often create. You are either on the “inside” of the experience, or on the “outside”. As much as your friends and family love you, they are watching through a streaky window. What would it be like to be on the “inside” ….with sisters? The idea inspired me to form RubyFeather Social Club

I hope the group generates a lot of good energy, catharsis, and empowerment. It is so easy to lose your center on this journey. Maybe a few vagina jokes and some mocktails with the girls in RubyFeather will help to brighten up this place!

And speaking of “not funny” moments (having little or nothing to do with my vagina) let me tell you about our domestic train wreck yesterday….

The Bear and I have been married a year. Last night was to mark the first dinner we have hosted at our house for both his parents and mine. I love my in-laws AND I love my parents, but the night was like a train that CRASHED, DE-RAILED, then got itself back on course and somehow arrived AHEAD OF TIME!

(Forgive me , if anyone in my family reads this. But blogging IS my therapy!)

Friday night, T minus 4 hours….My dad got a phone call at 2pm from a hospital in Florida. He had been trying to find his brother, whose phone was busy for several days. A man called to say he found my uncle passed out on the floor of his apartment a few days ago. He was now in intensive care and had not resumed conciousness. My parents are visiting Boston from California, and we immediately began making plans for my dad to fly to florida, to be at my uncle’s bedside.

T minus 2 hours….My mother in law arrived two hours early . She had been trying to reach her son (my husband), who was swept away in the hubub of our family drama, and had missed her calls. I was still trying to arrange a flight and car for my dad and I hadn’t had a moment to dress pretty or finish setting up the house. (Obviously our priorities had changed). This day was a BIG DEAL to me. We’ve been planning it for weeks and I even bought our “married” silverware in preparation for the perfect table. This seemed so superfluous now.

Anyway, my head and heart were with my uncle, but the night was still moving forward. I hate not being prepared and I am a terrible stress ball (…control freak?) when things get derailed. (People who know me are probably smiling at this remark) The Bear was beyond grumpy,the appetizers still in plastic wrap, and I felt like someone who was caught in musky old clothes after a hapless walk of shame.

So train WRECK….then a slight DE-RAIL. When you are on this infertility journey, keeping face during special times can often seem like a dauntless task and a secret obsession. Once I realized that I needed to LET GO of the need to be appear perfect the night seemed to improve. Still it was not easy to give up this obsession!!!!! I lit a few candles and the floor didn’t seem as dirty (and neither did my hair : ) ). I had a few glasses of wine and “pouf”, BACK ON TRACK!

Somewhere between the stuffed mushrooms and the pork loin I was able to sneak away and get my dad a ticket to florida. My dear friend helped us out with a buddy pass on Jet Blue. (FLY JET BLUE!!!!!). I resumed my spot in the group and dad was relieved. Mom and M-I-L had rosy cheeks from a bit of wine and girl-talk.

TAKE OFF. The Bear made a pork loin that was out of this world. Jews and pork- not always a good mix, but it was absolutely perfect!

T PLUS 2 HOURS- The pork was consumed, the apple cobbler devoured and my father in law was turning my parents on to another shot of lemoncello.

The night ended well. Daddy left on a 7am flight for Florida today. He says Uncle had a stroke and his condition is critical. I will keep them both in my prayers. The night made me realize that family is the most important thing… Nothing is ever perfect. But we need to cherish those moments that tug at our hearts. I am blessed to have so much love in this house….In 10 years, I’ll remember my mother’s bright eyes and tender heart last night, not my smelly pits or messy kitchen. That’s what I’ll take away from this….

Wishing you joyful moments of imperfection…

A Snowball's Chance

2009-10-18T06:08:00.000-07:00

My obsession with Angelina Jolie’s eggs kept me up last night. OK, I admit, it could appear somewhat homo-erotic, but that’s not what I’m getting at. If we are not preggers the “old fashioned way” : ) this month, we will resume our IVF journey in the next few weeks. After several lost pregnancies through IVF and IUI, I am pretty anxious about this round. Our Doctor (who I LOVE) recommends we continue with ICSI and IVF and hold off on pursuing a donor egg. She gave the Bear and I a slew of genetic tests (12 blood tests for me!) and did an endometrial biopsy to rule out endometritis as the cause of our frequent losses. Everything came back A-OK and we exhumed a big sigh of relief after the many weeks of waiting.

Still, I feel a little like a deer in the headlights on this round. I’m standing in the middle of the road, hoping I’m not hit again…

I love my Dr. because she is one of the best in her industry. She directs the Center for Infertility at a prominent hospital in Boston, and she teaches at Harvard Medical School. She takes the time to talk to us, and actually asks us how we are doing. I’ve dealt with some of her colleagues at the center, and it’s rare to get more than a grunt from some of them. Nevertheless, I believe that she cares deeply for her patients and she’ll give you straight up advice. She’s the kind of woman I would have liked to be friends with, in another time and place.

My obsession with Angelina and the eggs she bares has very little to do with Angelina Jolie herself. It’s what she personifies to me. She’s a sexual goddess yet she’s a seemingly devoted (and quite fertile) mother figure. Being married to an Italian, who’s also a Catholic, I recognize that women are often archetypally personified as the vixen (sexual and available), or the virgin (mother figure). But Angelina is both, it seems (at least to the camera). Her eggs seem like Faberge’.

Where is this going?

I guess I’m scared. I get overly “heady” when I’m scared. I’m scared of losing another one or having a baby with birth defects because of the age of my old eggs. I’m pretty messed up in the head right now.

My probability rate of getting pregnant with my eggs and having a live birth is about 23%-26% as per my Doctor. I compared the figure to other events with a similar probability, just to see how I felt about it:

In 2005, analysts predicted there would be a 1 in 4 chance of a recession in the next 12 months. (And look what happened!)
There is a 45.12% probability that a building will blow down in its lifetime!
There is a 23% probability that a “Great Flood” will occur every 25 years.
There is a 23% chance of snow in Columbus, Ohio on any given Christmas.
If you are a trucker, and are text messaging (or reading this!) you have a 22% greater chance of being involved in an accident in Portland, Oregon.

Wow. This stuff is pretty depressing, but I do know something without repute:

I am 500% loved by a man I adore, and I couldn’t ask for a better partner on this journey. (The Bear confirms this!)
I am happy for all I do have. All the people I have touched, who have touched me in return.
I have so very much to be thankful for. I need to sit in my power.
Even if my eggs are few, and not as fresh as they once were, they are beautiful, and treasured. And they are mine! : )

On the Inside- and it Stings!

2009-10-18T06:05:00.000-07:00

This following is a response I posted to Melissa Ford (aka Stirrup queen) on BlogHer column refuting a recent article about twins and IVF. It is in relation to a recent New York Times article that many of us found deeply disheartening. Again, it makes me feel like those of us on this journey are in a bubble of isolation, while those on the outside of the experience proselyytize and minimize the motivations of Doctors and patients alike. I welcome you to read this article, and offer your own comments on the subject. My thoughts on “The Gift of Life, and its Price” by Stephanie Saul in the New York Times:

Dear Melissa,

Thank you for this beautiful review of a very disturbing article. I can’t begin to tell you how I feel when I picked up my Sunday NYT to see the photo of two sanguine babies so small, they fit in sand buckets (They were actually placed in these buckets for their photo!). The paper lay on my kitchen table for 3 days before I willed myself to read it. My husband and I are taking a month break from IVF after two consecutive miscarriages. What bothered me about the article was that it truly felt as if it was scribed by someone on the “outside” of this experience. For those of us on this journey, it pains me to see such indifference and lack of opposing viewpoints in such a front page article. Saul makes it appear as if every Doctor and clinic’s focus lies solely on churning out babies and ensuring the fiscal success of their practice. She insinuates that reputable clinics avoid proper protocall and compromise the safety of their patients in order to “meet numbers” and draw new clients to their practice. While this may be the case in some clinics, I think it is a broad, sweeping exaggeration to say that is the motivating factor of every RE.

In my experiences with IUI and IVF, I have never encountered such pressure, or lack of regard for my overall well being.

I wish the article would have offered a more balanced perspective and Saul would have interviewed others in the Medical profession who’s purpose and attitude differed from her own.

Thank you so much for your perspective, and for letting me share mine.

Michele

Join RubyFeather

2009-10-12T14:57:00.000-07:00

I’ve just created a social club for baby-makin’ ladies who would like to meet in a positive setting and share stories, encouragement and adventures. We will host monthly socials and outings in the Boston area. All are welcome.

For more information, feel free to email me at shellysugarpie@yahoo.com and be sure to check out the link below for event details:

http://www.meetup.com/RubyFeather-Boston http://www.meetup.com/RubyFeather-Boston

New to Boston! RubyFeather hopes to engage and empower women who are experiencing the ups and downs of adding on to their families. We believe that we are stronger together, than individually. We are here to offer you some good energy, and some girl power. We meet up for coffee-talk, mocktails, mixers and outings. Whether you are single, married, gay, or straight, you are welcome. Whether your journey is through IVF, IUI, adoption, or the traditional method we encourage you to join us. We are not a “group therapy session” but a group of strong ladies who believe laughter and encouragement is the best medicine …

What we do:
Meet for cocktails and mocktails
Try new yoga studios
Take power walks
Kvetch (sometimes : ))
Share stories and strengths
Support, befriend and encourage each other

What we are not:
We have NO medical expertise whatsoever! Thus we will not administer any medical advice.
We are not a therapy session (unless laughter and fun are therapy!)
Please check us out and let me know what you think!

What is RubyFeather?

2009-10-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

We sit across from each other in the waiting room of the Infertility Clinic. Sometimes we are with a partner or a friend. Sometimes we come alone. We see each other at our IVF and IUI orientations – 5 hours of medial info and tears. Small talk at break over coffee. Downcast eyes. Beyond that, we don’t speak.

Now we are embroiled in the process. We talk to friends about it, but they don’t understand. How can they truly? Our partner is in the thick of it with us. Sometimes people ask us too many questions, or just tell us to “relax and it’ll happen!!”

We see each other again at the ultrasound clinic. First it’s the “high achievers” in suits, in line before 6am, then, the rest of us, somewhat discheveled. We each carry a folder full of numbers and stats, a map of the maze-like hospital, and our medical protocall. Red folders for IVF. Green for egg donation. Still, we don’t speak.

Eventually, we get so overcome by the process that we crave the comraderie of other women going through the experience. We join online chats and groups, and read countless blogs. We speak through the computer. A little echo in a long tunnel of silence.

So many times, I’ve wanted to talk to you. I wanted to say “I UNDERSTAND.” I’ve wanted to give you a hug if you needed it, or a smile just to commiserate. It sucks. It really does! And noone knows it better than someone experiencing it as you are.

I’m the woman that sits across from you getting her blood drawn for the millionth time. You can also find me down in the ultrasound room. I’m the lady on line in the grocery store, buying pineapple and avoiding dairy. I’m your online BFF.

Let’s smile at one another next time. A big cheshire cat smile. Emanating like light from a once dark space.

Dance in Love

2009-10-09T05:58:00.000-07:00

A psychic once told me to "Dance in Love". I'm not exactly sure what that means, or why I needed to pay a psychic to tell me that. But every so often it pops into my mind. Like a moment ago! I'm riding the commuter rail from Boston to Providence. I'm on my way to a creative leadership seminar.The darkness envelops the train, with it's green flourescent lights and smell of old coffee. For the last thirty minutes I've been assuming that we are still in a tunnel. Every so often a gentle orb of light flies by the window. On a deeper look, cutting through the tinny hum of the railcar, I finally realized that we were never in a tunnel. It's just the moments before dawn. The dark hush which preceeds the day. Its fall in New England, with a robust harvest moon and wet, crisp mornings. Now, when I look -and concentrate- I see a slip of blue piercing the darkness. The black "tunnel" has been a stand of trees. Thick disiduous tress, heavy with wet leaves, soon to drop as fall decends.

Sometimes I think the journeys we are on in life feel like this train ride. At times, we can feel as if we are trapped in the womblike silence of a dark tunnel. When we take time to look- and to BELIEVE- we can see that there's life outside. And if we wait long enough- a Sunrise!

The journey might take you somewhere new. Conversely, it might be a route you are accustomed to, or one you are weary of travelling. If you look around, however, you'll discover something new with each journey. The kindness of a stranger, or beauty beyond reach.

The nice thing about this journey is that it might lead you somewhere you never expected. Even if you know where you are headed- there are still suprises. Also, its good to remember that you can get off the train at any time. Maybe try a different route to your destination next time.

Whatever you wish for, I hope it becomes yours.

Dance in love my dear.

Vaginasaurus

2009-10-03T15:21:00.000-07:00

I’ve gotten about 50 hits on the blog this month by people searching the keyword “pterodactyl”. (See the posting: Fill Your Cup). Innocently, I recommended that anyone going through the baby-making process develop an “alter ego” to give voice to the new hyper-you that seems to come out during the meds and the stressful trials of trying to conceive. I refer to MY alter ego as Tarra, she’s a graceful pterodactyl. I could not go through this without Tarra. I can attribute (or blame her) for any mood swings or questionable tears that surface during the process. She’s also a great source of humor for both me and my husband, as we can just say “Tarra did it!” when anything particularly nasty comes out of my mouth.

Tarra sits on my right shoulder. She’s strong and powerful, but angers easily. Like me, she knows that even when it’s bad, it’s worth it. She’s not sure if this journey will bring us a baby through IVF, egg donation or adoption, but she assures me that there’s more than one way to make a family.

Tarra loves all women going on this journey, because no matter how beautiful, how successful, or how self-actualized we are, we are still humbled by the process. Her little reptile heart beats for each of us.

I bring this up for two reasons:

1. I think everyone should have an alter ego.

2. There are a handful of schoolchildren out there, looking for information on Dinosaurs, and finding a Vaginasaurus instead….

…..oops.

The Prize

2009-10-02T11:36:00.000-07:00

I went to buy yet another ovulation predictor kit at CVS yesterday. I think those of us trying for a while should get a punch card ( like the ones they give at coffee shops) and once you hit a dozen (or two) you get a prize. I know what I’d like as a prize…7lbs, 3oz. Green eyes like my husband’s….

The boy behind the counter gave me my shopping bag and whispered “Good luck!”

I felt like crying.

Ben-Hur and the Unmade Bed

2009-09-26T18:54:00.000-07:00

Posted by romancingthestone in Deep Thoughts, IVF and the Newlywed, Newlywed Diary...Year 2!. Tagged: baby,boston, family, iui, ivf, love, newlywed, ttc. Leave a Comment | Edit

I have nothing to say today.

The air is crisp and it’s the first real day of “sweater season”. The Bear is watching “Ben-Hur” on his new TV. The music on the tube sounds like something you’d hear in a temple, or on the muddy riverbank of the Nile. I have been to the Nile, and the only sounds I remember were car horns and children. But, if the Nile were set to music, it would sound salty and rhythmic and opalescent. Like Ben-Hur ,I suppose….

I have nothing else to say today.

Sometimes I wonder if I am truly living fully in each moment, or I am spending all of my energies looking forward (or back!). Can I eat a meal and savor its taste on my tongue, or is my mind already on dessert and the chilly walk home? Same with family; I long to cherish these first few years of marriage. This time of learning and growing together with exclusive rights to each other’s hearts- prebaby. How can I remain in this moment, without my heart longing for ( ______ )!

I tried, this morning, to STAY in the moment. The sun was casting a warm glow into our bedroom window, throwing long shadows across the bed. I’m one to make lists in my head as I rise, but today I stayed in bed with my beloved. Just stayed in place. Hard for me – this staying STILL.

The dawn was in transition. Somewhere between summer’s end and fall’s beginning. It was cold, and warm and lovely.

BE WHERE YOU ARE. Relish it because there is no other place to be.

Runaway Heart

2009-09-24T17:46:00.000-07:00

When I was little, I used to run away from home a lot. I’d pack a snack and hide behind our house. I’d sit with my back against my bedroom wall and stare out at the palm trees. Sometimes, I would plant watermelon seeds with my fingers; digging little holes between slips of grass. I stay hidden until I got bored, or hungry, or both. Eventually, as rosy dusk would fall on our subdivision, I would return home. My parents would put on a big show about how happy they were that I was back, and tell me how much they missed me.

Eventually, I figured out that my mother could actually see me from the house, and that she knew the whereabouts of my secret hiding spot. So, when I was big enough, about eight or nine, I would run away to my grandparents’ house. They lived about three blocks away, but a canal separated our neighborhood from theirs. The fervent walk seemed endless to me in my childhood rage.

My Grandmother would invite me in (she always seemed to know when I was coming???) and we’d sit at her kitchen table while I wailed about the horrors of the day. Eventually her phone would ring. “Yes, yes hello! Uh huh…Yes, She is….Ok!”

“Grandma, who was that????” I’d ask.

“Wrong number” She’d reply.

***********************************************

I go in for a biopsy tomorrow.

They are trying to rule out endometriosis as the cause of our recurrent losses. Sadly, you have to have a series of miscarriages before the insurance will cover the cost of these tests! Think of how much money and heartache would be saved if they investigated these things BEFORE people began IVF? Could you imagine this happening in life outside the realm of medicine? It would be as if you’d have to get in a few car accidents before they check to see if you’d pass the driving test.

Nevertheless, I’m off track again. Insurance does that to me….

I hate biopsies. I’ve never seen a happy biopsy. They always come with some baggage and discomfort. The Bear will be going with me, which is nice. And my Doc gave me a prescription for a valium. Even nicer! Hopefully I will be dreaming of bunnies….

I bring all of this up because it makes me miss my grandmother more than ever. I wish I could just run away behind her house, or sit at her kitchen table and cry. I’m so exhausted by this process.

I just have to remember why I am doing this….for love.

Full circle.

IVF and the Newlywed: The Possession!!!!

2009-09-19T08:09:00.000-07:00

It's a gorgeous day out today and I am hoping to get outside and bask in some leftover sun. It will be nippy in New England in no time. The Bear is very sick today, so I'm playing nursemaid. Nothing much to report...we went to the Dr. this week and she gave both The Bear and me a battery of blood tests. She's trying to discover why we have had so many miscarriages. She also wants me to do a biopsy to see if there's anything going on in my womb. I negotiated for a valium. I'll tell you, I am sick of people hanging out between my legs. I am sick of this process and all the emotions tied to it.

I'm on a two month hiatus from IVF and it has been SO NICE to get my body back. My mind is clear and focussed, not overwritted by the excess of meds. I really don't want to think about a biopsy or anything having to do with my netherparts- except pleasure.

I am going to try to find time this weekend to find myself again. I don't know what that means yet, but there's this funny , quirky lass inside here somewhere, who's been in hiding for a wee bit. I've got to shake things up and bring her out again. I miss that silly bitch.

I couldn't help it, but when the Bear started vying for my sympathy vote with his cough,cough, sick, sick, I told him to imagine if his balls were the size of grapefruit and he got 3 shots every day! Then, come to me for sympathy.
So who's taken over my body, and when can the real M come back??

The Root of Love

2009-09-16T14:03:00.000-07:00

I am reading a book called "The Places That Scare You." By Pema Chodron. She is a white anglo woman woman who bacame a tibetan monk after living a life as wife and mother. While her words speak of the Buddhist faith, meditation and balance, her history rests on a life not unlike our own.

This week I was reading a section on honoring yourself and others. She speaks of creating a meditiative practice where you wish for peace, strenght, love for yourself and others. " I wish ( name) finds comfort, and the root of comfort. I wish (your beloved) finds strength, and the root of strength". It goes like that.

I started to think of "the root of" a virtue that she often mentions in this chant. Its the digging down deep to find the nurturing origins of that strength, love and power. The root. I love that idea of finding the root of what you need to sustain you.

Chodoron also mentions that as you continue the practice, you begin to make wishes for those you love, eventually, you also begin to make wishes for those that "irritate" you. She says it is hard to wish goodness on those that have hurt you, but once you can do that, you can let everything go.

*******

I promised I would throw a stone in the ocean and make a wish for every person who is experiencing challenges with conceiving or loss . I decided to wait until we were in Bermuda, where the water was aqua and sentient. My husband and I swam out of a cove on Horeshoe bay. It was raining. I used a handful of pink sand to make my tribute to you. For a moment I felt like we were all connected by a golden thread.

Dear reader-
"I wish you happiness, and the root of happiness.
I wish you strength, and the root of strength.
I wish you love, and the root of love.
I wish you faith, and the root of faith.
I wish you good health, and the root of good health.
I wish you a happy family, and the root of that family. "

With love...
M

IVF and the Newlywed: The Stone

2009-09-14T12:24:00.000-07:00

The Bear and I are going to visit our baby Doctor tomorrow. I’m dreading it even more than the opening of football season. I love my MD. I think she’s brilliant and strong, and everything I would imagine a professional and self-actualized woman should be. If I wasn’t her patient, and met her at a cocktail party, I’d seek her out as a friend. But sitting across from her in her tiny office, with my husband at my side and her huge computer screen of my charts and statistics blocking my way, I just feel awful.

I used to be the proud , self-actualized woman I see in her. At work I am still seemingly so. But those post-cycle visits where she tells me about what went wrong make me shrivel up like a stone.

There was a time once, a few years ago, where I caught a glimpse of my ovaries on the ultrasound screen. I wasn’t sure what I was seeing, just two tiny orbs of light. When I asked the technician what we were looking at, she said “These are your eggs”.I laid back and I imagined these celestial, radiant things inside of me. This giver of light!

I want to be that girl again. The one who hoped for great things and didn’t see the obstacles between a wish and the prize. The girl who worked hard, made people smile, and was always grateful.

I wish this process didn’t dry us out emotionally. I wish I was still bubbly and effervescent. I hope I find that girl again. I’d like to give her a hug and tell her it’s all going to be okay….

IVF and the Newlywed: Hidden & Seen

2009-09-11T15:32:00.000-07:00

I went to visit my Guru today. To reach her I needed to walk through the Boston Public Garden. I was in such a rush. Walking briskly, I became so frustrated by the winding paths and curving roads that were in my way, I nearly forgot to see the striking beauty of this magic place.

No road is straight in the Public Garden, they rope like serpentine chains around old dogwood trees, bronze statues, a lake with swan boats and a rose garden. I was careening through the park, late for my appointment, when I stopped dead in my tracks.

“BE, where you ARE!” I said to myself.

Why are we predisposed to rushing? To getting to the finish line and missing out on the view? To forget the path curves for a purpose?

There is a concept in Japanese Garden Design called “mie gakure” which translates to mean “hidden and seen”. It is - to quote the experts- “a central design principle in Japanese stroll gardens, where the path curves and elements are arranged so that new, unexpected views are discovered at each turn.” *

When we walk in a straight line, sometimes we only see what is in front of us. Maybe we get to our final destination faster, but what of the journey in-between?

The “a-ha!”moments of discovery?

I think of what I might be missing, when I am hell-bent on this IVF journey. Is my vision so blighted by the “finish line” that I forget to see all that I have around me? Look how lucky we are, to have family that loves us, a heart within that beats soundly and the ability to make bold choices with our lives and reproductive futures. These are truly gifts.

The park taught me something today in its silent, luscious beauty. I wasn’t looking for a sign, but maybe that winding road made me look up from the path I was on and take in something important. I need to remember to LOOK AROUND more often. To slow down and marvel at what I DO have, rather than regret and rush towards what I do not.

May your journey bring you much strength, happiness and LOVE…

(* Discover Nikkei, Japanese Immigrants and their Descendants www.discovernikkei.org/nikkeialbum/en/search/tag/garden)

Puppypandemonium

2009-09-10T14:58:00.000-07:00

I want a dog.

I know , I know! My sister tells me that many women on the baby train go through the puppy obsession. That was the precise reason I have been suppressing the urge. Of course I don’t want to WALK it outside in the snow, but I will cuddle with it and give it baths. We were just in Bermuda for our one year anniversary and we saw this tragic ad for the humane society. It had all these little creatures that had been terribly abused, staring at the camera through one good eye, while Sarah McLauhlin sang “I Will Remember You….”. Under each sad face, a caption, “Why did they hurt me?” “Why must I die?” “Won’t you help me?”

I know it was incredibly manipulative but I couldn’t stop balling. Why must I always feel that I need to “save” someone or something? Can’t our lives be marked with other good deeds, like helping old ladies cross the street, or leaving little presents for a depressed co-worker?

And why would anyone think that the acquisition of a four-legged, steadfast companion would keep the baby blues at bay? Perhaps it is the gift of unrelenting love. A lick on a face when you are feeling your most bloated and unattractive from clomid, or hcG or progesterone. A nip at your fingers saying “I love you! You are barkalicious!”

Shadow, a lab mix, can be found on the petfinders website. She’s looking for a home in New England…

Newlywed Diaries: Bermuda Blues

2009-09-07T08:03:00.000-07:00

We’re in Bermuda and I just found a wireless connection.

I promise I am not a career-obsessed woman, or an addicted blogger (although my husband would beg to differ). I was on my way to the ferry this morning, with the cool aqua water in sight, and I had to turn back because I left my phone in the B&B. Today is “Baby’s day out” so to speak. It’s a wee bit of “me time” where the Bear and I go off and do our own thing, and then come back together, grateful for the freedom our relationship provides. The Bear is golfing today. It was my anniversary present to him. A tee time at the club of his choice. My “me time” was to involve a ferry trip to the Dockyard in a neighboring Parish, a bit of run cake, a sip of rum swizzle and some SHOPPING for local goods. Unfortunately, I missed the ferry and the next one is in an hour.

Halfway there, sweating like an animal, I realized I left the phone back up the hill. For a moment I thought, “I would not have to go back if I was SINGLE.” But now, my heart and life are tethered to another person. I was surprised at my frustrated reaction. I was a single, independent woman for so long, these little thoughts seem to pop up unannounced.

It’s not that my single life was “better” than my married one. At times I remember feeling as if I could die of loneliness. But the choices and the experiences were mine alone. I did not have to answer to anyone, but I did not have anyone I loved to come home to, either.

Yesterday we took the bus out to horsehoe beach, and the water was the most exquisite aqua I have ever seen. We frolicked in the waves and then enjoyed rum swizzles on the way back to Hamilton.

We are having an amazing time, but I realize now that if we were contestants on Survivor or The Amazing Race, we would probably end in a fireball- or divorce! We do not always travel well together. He’s a “barker” when he’s stressed and I am a bit of a princess. I love exploring and soaking everything in, but I don’t like to push it past my limits. He’s a thrill seeker who’s either living to the fullest, or lounging by the TV. He’s also reticent to try things he has never done before, like new foods or strange places, longing instead to skydive or drive a moped TOO FAST down a windy road. I find those things risky and scary, and try to avoid them.

I know I should not read too much into this. We are both having a wonderful time here, both together and apart, but spending six days on this island with nothing to do but drink RUM and swim and make love and watch TV (: () puts things in a new perspective. We are different in how we handle things, I have known that, but marriage, at times requires work to appreciate and acknowledge differences.

Maybe this was a lesson I was supposed to learn.

Gotta go an try my luck at the ferry again. Phone in hand this time. Any wisdom you choose to share will be greatly appreciated!

Wishing you sunshine and bliss.

IVF and the Newlywed: Our Second Trip Around the Sun

2009-09-02T10:13:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow marks our first wedding anniversary…..
I never expected to be married, particulary, at the ripe age of 40. But sometimes love throws you for a loop. Had I done it sooner, I might have been with the wrong person. Had I waited, keeping my heart quietly hidden, I would missed out on this jewel of a man.

: Our Red Sox Wedding

My husband is a Big Boston Boy. Everything about him is bold and robust. He loves deeply and laughs loudly and has a golden heart.
Who would have imagined that our first year of marriage would be so full of challenges and triumps. The trials of baby-making have certainly hampered our spontaneous romps on the living room floor, but we created loving rituals for all the landmarks of IVF. I know I was meant to be with him, and meant to go on this journey, even though it hasn’t always been easy.
We’re taking a short break from IVF, and I cannot begin to tell you how nice it feels to have my “body” back. I feel whole again. ME again. I am looking forward to enjoying this hiatus from meds and Dr. visits. We leave for the Tropics tomorrow….
Here is a poem I treasure. I used it in our wedding album. I believe LOVE has a way of finding people. It can manifest itself in many forms.

Marriage
BY LAWRENCE RAAB

Years later they find themselves talking
about chances, moments when their lives
might have swerved off
for the smallest reason.
What if
I hadn’t phoned, he says, that morning?
What if you’d been out,
as you were when I tried three times
the night before?
Then she tells him a secret.
She’d been there all evening, and she knew
he was the one calling, which was why
she hadn’t answered.
Because she felt—
because she was certain—her life would change
if she picked up the phone, said hello,
said, I was just thinking
of you.
I was afraid,
she tells him. And in the morning
I also knew it was you, but I just
answered the phone
the way anyone
answers a phone when it starts to ring,
not thinking you have a choice.

*****************************************************

…..And this is always one that tingles the loins….

One Hundred Love Sonnets: XVII
BY PABLO NERUDA

I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz,
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as one loves certain obscure things,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom but carries
the light of those flowers, hidden, within itself,
and thanks to your love the tight aroma that arose
from the earth lives dimly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you directly without problems or pride:
I love you like this because I don’t know any other way to love,
except in this form in which I am not nor are you,
so close that your hand upon my chest is mine,
so close that your eyes close with my dreams.

TRANSLATED BY MARK EISNER

IVF and the Newlywed: The Secret Garden

2009-08-30T13:55:00.000-07:00

I just wrote a love letter to a Farmer in Mass.

He’s the grower at the Farm-share that we recently joined. When you live in a big city and have no “dirt” of your own, it’s inspiring to still reap the benefits of freshly grown food. Maybe it’s more meaningful to me right now, as my mind is very focused on sowing a bountiful harvest, both inside and outside of my person!

Yesterday was a rainy fall prelude, nestled between ripe sunny days. Secretly, I LOVE drizzly, sunless mornings (provided they don’t come too often). I light candles and bake; cooking hearty stews I pull from my old recipes. Rainy weekends force me to SLOW DOWN. There’s something about the womblike silence of a foggy day that brings me back to center.

I keep listening to the Energy that surrounds me, again

telling me to BREATHE, and that everything will be clear in due time. The rain yesterday brought me a little time to think. My husband and I sat in the warm glow of dusk, and feasted on our bounty from the farm. We talked of hopes and plans. I realized that what’s been tormenting me, even more than our recent loss, is the uncertainty of what to do next.

Before we spoke, adoption, egg donation, and IVF all offered

equal possibilities and equal anxiety. But once we broke each possibility down, the fog seemed to lift a little.

I need a break from these meds and this IVF rollercoaster.

I’m afraid to loose another one, but I’m open to doing it one more time and then re-accessing. There is of course, a clause in all of this. I will have the rest of this month, and possibly next, to bask in my own power and take a BREAK. That means no doctors, no blood tests, no ultrasounds, no shots, etc etc!!! I can enjoy acupuncture and bikini waxes without worrying about the next person checking out my “candyland”. We can have sex based on passion and our own hope for procreation, and when he has to (or chooses to) blow his horn, he won’t be doing so because a nurse has called to advise us that it’s “time”. We can “come” and “go” freely for four to six weeks! I’ve forgotten what that feels like!

Then , after my holiday of primal bliss, I will thereafter

succumb to a cycle of medically assisted reproduction. I will be a happy patient, probably a little more grounded because I’ve given myself a chance to rest. We will supplement with acupuncture and Chinese herbs, and try to find time to enjoy our second year of marriage.

In the event that the next round of IVF is not successful, we will re-access and decide if we should give it another go, or form a new plan. I think we will explore receiving a donor egg, if we need to. I think any child born or received into love is one which is treasured and holy. I do not think I need to be the genetic mother of this baby to be its mother.

We talked of adoption, but when I asked him what was truly in his heart, he said that he wanted to go on the journey of experiencing a birth together. He said he wanted to be there for Dr. visits and feel the baby kick in my belly. It made me feel very close to him.

I think we would like to adopt eventually, but it might be wonderful to go on that journey of love and have a child together. Any child, no matter it’s age, race or origin, would truly be our beloved. I know this as truth, so it’s really about finding the best way to make this happen.

We spend our whole lives trying to find the “way” don’t we ?

As rebellious teenagers…. as young women landing our first job and finding our selves…. As lovers and mothers and daughters and friends. Can we find the time to reap our “truth” and make our life all we hope it to be?

I’ve talked to my acupuncturist about this harvesting of truth. I told her that I wish to think of my body as a sacred landscape. It was my best friend in NYC who first gave me this thought. If I think about my whole Self, receiving the treatment, and if I nourish my whole self and not just my womb, I am harvesting my sacred landscape. It sounds a little ethereal, but it helps to validate and reinforce the Self. That way , no time is wasted time on this journey. It’s not just two lines on a pregnancy test or the bounty of the final outcome that’s important. It’s the sowing of the seeds, the harvesting and the loving moments we take to nourish the Self, which will fortify us through this challenging time.

I wish you all wisdom, peace and a good harvest.

IVF and the Newlywed: Hope and a Wish

2009-08-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes our fate resembles a fruit tree in winter.

Looking at its sad appearance who would think that

those stiff branches, those jagged twigs

would turn green again and blossom

and bear fruit next spring;

but we hope they will,

we know they will."

-Goethe

This quote was recited on National Public Radio this morning during “The Writer’s Almanac”. It touched me in a way my own thoughts and words cannot.

It reminds me that we each have such a great capacity for beauty, grace and love. I used to think that if our lives resembled trees, family and children would be one of the branches. Now I know, that for me, it is the trunk, the root. The green core of my center.

I think I will go to the sea this weekend and throw in a stone in to the water. I will make a wish, and part of that wish will be reserved for YOU as well (yes YOU, reading this!). If all of our wishes were cast out onto the sea at the same time, imagine how the current would change, the waves would crest and the weather would beckon different tidings.

What could it hurt? I think of the childhood story, “Horton Hears a Who,” when all the Who’s shouted “We are here! We are here!” and a large, courageous roar was heard from the strata of a dustball. What if we all made a wish, for ourselves, for the other women and men experiencing this baby-making journey, for all the babies lost and found. What if we ALL did this, just put love and hope and healing power out there? Do you think we would FEEL IT?

I do.

It’s Goethe’s birthday today. He was a famous German writer and philosopher who seemed to have changed the world in his time. Born in 1749, he lived for 83 years. What do you suppose Goethe would think, if he knew his quotes were translated to English in a COUNTRY that did not exist for most of his younger life, recited over the RADIO, pulled from the INTERNET and re-presented on a BLOG about IVF ?

Oh, the power of words.

What would my day have been like if I had not awoken to reading this quote from the Writer’s Almanac on my Blackberry this morning? The sun casting long shadows into our small bedroom. My body aching for a sign. Just something to hold on to today as we form the next steps of our journey and prepare for the emotional load.

I feel like I can hear my grandmother’s voice telling me to “breathe”, and reassuring me that all I need can be found inside myself, if I dig for it and believe in it. It will happen…Whatever that path or journey, wisdom and experience are to be found with each change of direction….

I don’t know what’s next for us. IVF again, a break, Donor eggs, Adoption? Each path offers it’s own bliss and shortfalls. What I can do TODAY however, is try my damnest to treasure these moments in between. The sun on my face, the strength in my backbone, a radiant, beating heart.

Wishing you strength, wisdom and JOY!

Another poem on the Almanac today:

Not Swans

by Susan Ludvigson

I drive toward distant clouds and my mother's dying.

The quickened sky is mercury, it slithers

across the horizon. Against that liquid silence,

a V of birds crosses-sudden and silver.

They tilt, becoming white light as they turn, glitter

like shooting stars arcing slow motion out of the abyss,

not falling.

Now they look like chips of flint,

the arrow broken.

I think, This isn't myth-

they are not signs, not souls.

Reaching blue

again, they're ordinary ducks or maybe

Canada geese. Veering away they shoot

into the west, too far for my eyes, aching

as they do.

Never mind what I said

before. Those birds took my breath. I knew what it meant.

"Not Swans" by Susan Ludvigson, from Sweet Confluence: New and Selected Poems. © Louisiana State University Press, 2000

FIND IT HERE: The Writer’s Almanac http://www.elabs7.com/functions/message_view.html?mid=837262&mlid=499&siteid=20130&uid=6959020fe3

Fortune Cookie Wisdom

2009-08-25T14:58:00.000-07:00

Fortune Cookie Wisdom

You are beautiful and wise, and wherever HOME is for you, it shall be rich and full of love!

Do not fear the unknown, but go in head first and face your biggest challenge. You will be rewarded with strength, insight and a deeper understanding of your self.

Wishing you happiness and love,

Lost and Found

2009-08-24T08:40:00.000-07:00

Lost and Found

Sometimes things are too fresh, too green. You can’t talk about them until they settle. That’s how I was feeling this weekend. I just couldn’t bring myself to put my insides to “words”. Perhaps if I were to “paint it out” things would have gushed forth like butterflies, like blood.

I spent the weekend vacillating between turbulence and limbo. That ether-state of decision-making. A band-aid to my soul.

Friday night. Starless sky. Lying in bed with my big Boston boy. “I’m so sad, “I said, “I thought I was over this, but I’m not.” He held me and said. “We’ll never get over this, sweetheart. We’ll get BEYOND IT, but not over it.”

I think of this Loss. My third Loss. I think of all that life-potential that could not hold on. I blame myself. The scars in my womb from fibroid surgery. My age. My weight. When does the blame stop? When can you look at yourself again and feel whole and beautiful?

I am usually a happy person. A conduit of good energy. I have friends I would do anything for. Friends who I won’t talk to right now because it’s just too hard.

Sunday morning. I woke my sleeping Bear and said, “Let’s think about adoption.” We can still keep trying with IVF, but we do want more than one child, so why not explore the options. Groggily, he agreed. We hugged and kissed and laughed with the languid ease of weekend morning love.

Sunday afternoon. I obsessed over cupcakes. I just found a lovely new book exclusively on CUPCAKES. The cover features a bit of vanilla heaven with a sugared violet on top. I’m not sure where this new obsession with cooking has come from but cupcakes are my secret passion. They remind me of childhood birthdays and modern weddings, and Martha Stewart perfection. Maybe if I start to practice now, by the time I am (fingers crossed) a mom, I can become the best cupcake maker on my block.

So I mixed my eggs and milk, and frosted with the back of a spoon, and in the end I had 24 lumps of cake. Really uninspiring looking. But hey, it was my first attempt! And even through they were ugly they tasted DELICIOUS!

A cupcake story:

Spring 2008. My Boy and I went down to visit friends in New York City. I was getting out of the shower when he surprised me with my engagement ring “I wanted to do this on the top of the empire state building,” he said, “but we ran out of time.” My engagement ring is my grandmother’s. It’s the ring I have always wanted to wear. My grandparents had a very happy marriage and although I never met them, I know my grandmother is looking down on us and sending lots of Wisdom and Love our way.

So this was a splendid weekend with my sweetheart, celebrating his birthday and his first trip to the Big Apple. We walked through central park and met my best friend for drinks by the pond as swans glistened past.

That night I lost my wallet at a dive bar in Hell’s Kitchen. Lost????? Not sure, but it was GONE. We had $14 left and two Amtrak tickets after we checked out of the hotel. We used most of our remaining cash to buy subway tokens to visit police stations and file reports. Uptown than downtown, and scurrying back again! We didn’t have enough for lunch or dinner, but walking down from Port Authority we passed the Cupcake Café. Although the location has changed, the Cupcake Café in NYC brings back the warmest memories for me. My time in grad school in the Big City. Working in Manhattan for some wonderful designers. Sitting with them for gazpacho and carrot cupcakes and musing over theatre, art and life.

We had a few bucks left, enough for a pair of cupcakes and two coffees. A welcome respite from the chaos of the city street. Sitting across from my Boy, gobbling a bit of lusciousness before we went back home. Basking in our newly engaged love. It was the perfect frosted dream to a weekend I will never forget.

These are the things I need to hold on to right now. Love, sweetness, the treasures in my life. No matter how complicated things get in our lives, it only takes a few simple things to bring us back to the heart of the matter. Back to the HEART.

Yum!

The Things You Give Away

2009-08-21T06:29:00.000-07:00

We've MOVED.

Come visit me at http://romancingthestone.wordpress.com

The Things You Give Away….

August 20, 2009 by romancingthestone | Edit

I wanted to confess something….

You might be wondering why I called this blog “IVF and the Newlywed” when I haven’t really been spending a whole lotta’ time talking about my uterus or my sprightly egg count. It’s just that I can’t. I find the IVF process itself to be thoroughly exhausting and I have discovered it’s extremely helpful for me to focus my mind on more INSPIRING, EMPOWERING and TASTY topics. Right now, those ethereal things have been the juice that has kept me going. Perhaps it’s a smokescreen to the real “issues” of the fertility-challenged, but at least it keeps me laughing!

Now for today’s topic: The stuff you give up…..

When I got married, I traded in my sporty convertible for a lumbering black jeep. (This is not a metaphor!). My lease was up on my car and I was scared to drive it on slippery icy days. I also wondered how MILF-like I would look with a baby seat in the back and the ragtop down. How would you get a kid out of a 2-door sports car anyway?

So in the days between our wedding and reception, my husband and I picked up our new little SUV. We opted for a smaller, boxy kind that had a cleaner engine, 4-wheel drive, and really good gas mileage (relatively speaking). It was a stunning, aloof shade of black, with tinted windows and big sidewall tires. I knew I would feel safe in this car, and I liked the feeling of riding high in the saddle. In Boston, it’s all about being the top-man on the road, as you careen past bad drivers and shout nasty words from your car!!!!! (Often with your windows closed so as not to truly upset anyone!). I was a bad-@ss yuppie.

Lately I’ve been missing my convertible. I’ve also been missing the sofa we gave away to upgrade to “married furniture”. It’s been hard for my husband to understand. Sometimes, when I’m amped up on the baby-med hormone shots I’ll just sit across from the new sofa and glare at it. I even told it “I hate you!” once. (No response from the couch).

What my husband may or may not understand is that these were my “single” things. A sexy blue sport scar with buff leather seats that screamed “I’m successful and fantastic, and I don’t NEED your money!” And that sofa bed– one of the first big pieces of furniture that I purchased for myself, acknowledging at the time that I was a new homeowner and was going it alone. Through the years, this couch was my refuge for long nights of girl talk and even longer nights of crazy Fall s ex. It was soft, and velvety, and it was MINE.

(Oh the things you can do on a rolled arm couch………But I digress!)

I think I miss those things because they represented my former-life to me. The carefree, sassy girl with money to spare. Successful, self-protected, smug. Sometimes I feel like I have traded in an old life for a new one, and gotten rid of my “stuff” but I don’t know what’s going to replace it yet. Will it be sweet baby furniture, or a suburban garden filled with ripe tomatoes and love? Will it be an empty nest? What are the things He and I are “building together”?

Oftentimes, it is that limbo between single lass and newly married lady that makes you feel like you are floating. It’s hard to know what you will land on. Will it be a soft, cushy new sofa, or the floor of an empty nursery?

I talked to my Advisor about this. It came out like gunpowder, “I’m giving up all this stuff, and I don’t know what’s replacing it yet!!!!!” She told me that with every new thing you bring into your life, you have to give up something else. It just happens.

I don’t know what will come into our lives to mark the passage of our first year of marriage. I only know that when I wash the Jeep it SHINES, and when I cuddle on that couch with my Sweetie, there’s no place I’d rather be….

Wishing you many happy moments…

We've MOVED

2009-08-20T09:18:00.000-07:00

Hi there cutie!

We've moved to a new location....

Come visit me at

http://romancingthestone.wordpress.com

Have a great day!

Vixen in the Kitchen- A recipe for you!

2009-08-18T14:18:00.000-07:00

When I’m not working, blogging, or pondering the vast openness of the Universe, I am COOKING. Cooking seems to have replaced painting for me. It’s my therapy.

Ironic, I must say, that our mothers and grandmothers spent decades trying to break OUT of the Kitchen, and OUT of the cycle of childbirth that was so expected of women in their day. (And Now I am trying the BREAK IN!!!)

Perhaps it is because it is my CHOICE that I love it. Mixing flavors and smells in my kitchen, often with the fire alarm trilling off (Really! It’s a small apartment!). Breaking Bread with someone I love….

I’d like to share some of the recipe’s I’m creating with YOU. Being a Newlywed, I’m always out to try to impress myself with my newfound domesticity. It’s an urban, rustic kind of domesticity, and in the end I usually have made a mess everywhere. But to me it’s like being three again and making mudpies at the beach, it’s like sculpture, or painting with color and flavor.

So enjoy. (I promise this will taste better than a mudpie!)

This is the first of a series of Recipes (Therapies) I shall offer you. I will always test my invention first, and I won’t share it if it’s too complex or WEIRD. The theme for today is “In Season”. Imagine a fruit dripping ripely on the vine. It’s the middle of August so Berries and Bok Choy are at their height of flavor in New England. (Why a delicate Chinese green loves to grow in hearty New England soil I’ll never know!)

My husband and I just became members of a farm-coop called Enterprise Farms (http://www.enterpriseproduce.com/) and they have joined forces with Metro Pedal Power to deliver the farm picked veggies fresh to your door –Via Tri-cycles (http://metropedalpower.com/about/csa-and-local-produce) Now lazy city folk like me can enjoy the abundance of the harvest via pick up ---or delivery! (They don't pay me to refer them or anything, I just think it's so cool to see the little trike scooting down the street, and to support something I believe in!)

Now I’m not a “crunchy” kinda career girl, but I have to tell you, when I first saw that succulent pint of blueberries, and those gorgeous greens I kinda broke out in a sweat.

I’ve appropriately named this Series “Vixen in the Kitchen” (That’s you babe, in your little apron!- And me too! wink wink)

This first dish is pretty quick and luscious, followed by an easy but decadent dessert ….

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Vixen in the Kitchen

Recipe #1

Skinny Skampi with Summer Veggies:
This can all be made in the same sautee pan for ease of use. The veggies first, then the scallops, then the shrimp. (PS- there's nothing skinny about it). The Bok Choy gives it a nice crunch and a unique summery taste.

The Goods :
1-2 cup water
1 tsp or cube veggie boullion
3 or 4 tbsp salted butter*
1 shallot, minced (a shallot is kinda like a fancy french onion with a light garlicy flavor- It's like the "labro-doodle" of the onion world)
2 garlic cloves, minced
1-3 cup white wine

1 med. or lg. Bok choy, chopped.
1-2 lb. Fresh scallops, uncooked, washed with the little muscle removed.
1-2 to 3-4 lb cooked med size shrimp. Can be previously frozen. Wash before use and pull of tails if you like.

Salt + pepper to taste.

* If you are going dairy free, you can substitute 3 or 4 tsp good olive oil for the butter. Hence, slightly "skinnier".

The Way:
1. Heat the water to boiling in the microwave, about 90 seconds. Add vegetable boullion and stir until dissolved. Set aside.

2. Melt 1 big tbsp butter over med. heat in sautee pan. Add half of the minced shallots and a bit of garlic. Sautee until shallots start to break down and look transparent.

3. Add water-boullion mixture to sautee pan and blend flavors with a wooden spoon. Reduce slightly.

4. Add bok choy. Sautee veggies until they soften and leaves take on a rich green color. (If you like your veggies a little softer, add the stem pieces first and the leaves a leave a few minutes later.) Do not overcook. Bok choy tastes best a little crunchy.

5. Remove veggies from liquid using a slotted spoon or tongs. Divide on to 2 plates in a pleasing arrangement.

6. Let the liquid begin to get hot again, add the remaining butter, shallots and garlic. Now add the white wine and reduce slightly. Let flavors blend. Add scallops and cook about 5-7 minutes until scallops loose their transparency when sliced in half. (If using bay scallops- the small guys- cook for about 3-5 minutes until done.) They should look white opaque like a cheap pair of 80's pantyhose. Remove scallops with slotted spoon, leaving liquid in the saute pan. Place scallops on top of greens on the two plates.

7. The scallops have lended a pleasing seafood flavor to the broth. Now add the cooked shrimp to the sautee pan. (You can use raw shrimp if they are deveined. Just make sure they are thoroughly cooked and turn opaque pink and white). If shrimp are pre-cooked, simply sautee until they are warm and have taken on some of the flavor of the broth. Remove with a slotted spoon. Serve along side of the scallops on the plate.

If you are loving the broth mixture, the seafood can be served in small bowls with crostini or plain ole' crusty bread. Serve the Bok choy along side on a salad plate so you don't feel too guilty.

Finito! Serve with the rest of the White wine (in glasses, not bowls!) until every morsel is consumed.

Serves 2.

*******
Dessert:
After you are thoroughly stuffed on seafood and wine. Make a break for the fridge to score some extra credit points with this easy (and very luscious) summer dessert.

Berry Fantasy!

The Goods:
2 large wine goblets or margarita glasses (or clear glass tumblers).
1 pint haagen dazs vanilla ice cream*
1-2 pint of your favorite summer berry- such as fresh blueberry, blackberry, strawberry or a mixture of the 3.
2 pieces of "store bought" pound cake cut into 1" cubes.
Whip cream (optional).

*Berry or mango sorbet may be substituted for the ice cream if going lactose free. However, then you'll also need to nix the pound cake and the whip cream. Ho hum!

And if you are feeling particularly "yuppy", you can substitute fresh figs, cut in half and poached in a little red wine or port instead of the berries.(The poaching can be done well in advance) .

The Way:
1. Start by layering a scoop of ice cream on bottom of each glass.
2. Add a few tablespoons of fruit.
3. Add the pound cake cubes.
4. Layer in some more berries or fruit.
5. Now more ice cream.
6. Top with remaining berries or fruit and if you are feeling groovy, a dollop of whip cream.

Serve immediately.

What you do with the remaining whip cream is entirely up to you.

Enjoy!

From our kitchen to yours!

Let's Talk About Love

2009-08-17T11:30:00.000-07:00

Talk about LOVE…

This weekend I learned (again, for the third time) that you CAN be a “little bit pregnant”. Unfortunately our Mothers were misinformed when they gave us our sex ed talk.

Being a “little bit pregnant” is like being a little bit lost in a dark wood. You might be close to the road, but if you are lost you will feel miles away from it.

Sometimes it’s important to go into those places that scare you.

When you are forced to go to that dark place, you learn who stands beside you, and who runs for cover. You learn who’s hand you can hold, who you can cry to and who you can form a survival plan with. When you get lost, you discover who is there for you, who is missing you, and who will do their damnedest to save you.

My husband held me for FOUR hours while I struggled through this dark place. I felt like all my blood was leaving me (and in some ways it was) but I’ve never felt so safe in all of my life.

This is LOVE.

This is a man who would travel to that scary, cold place and come find me there. This is a man who has taught me to TRUST, to open up to another, and to recognize my power …and humor in the darkest of moments.

I think of all the little things he has done, and all the big things, in our first year of marriage…

My Catholic husband has walked up the hill in a snowstorm to surprise me with candles for my menorah at Hanukkah. While this seems trivial, it was his way of recognizing that our faiths could blend together in this union.

My big bear of a boy has brought “offerings” to our neighbors’ Buddha. Our neighbor has a great faith in Buddha and has erected a small sanctuary in her dry cleaning shop. She said that if you bring Buddha some small bananas, then He will be pleased by your offering, and thus grant your wish. One day this summer, her daughter was running her shop, and in walks my husband and puts some bananas on the top shelf of Buddha’s shrine. No one told our friend they were there. I guess Buddha doesn’t actually EAT them, because in about three weeks the shop wreaked of rotten fruit and there were flies everywhere! They have never forgotten our openness,(or our naivete) and I am charmed by this story every time I think of it. My Man is born and bred Boston. He’s faith lies with his mother, the women in his life, the Red Sox and his G-d. However, for me, he would bring tiny bananas to a golden Buddha statue in a neighbor’s dry cleaning shop. He would do this to honor our wish for a child, because it is my HOPE that someone is listening….

I think of these things and they take me out of that dark place, and into the arms of the man I was meant to be with. A newlywed, at 41. Somehow it’s not that scary anymore.

Wishing you joy and good fortune and LOVE.

I Dreamed that Angelina Jolie was My Egg Donor

2009-08-16T06:27:00.000-07:00

I dreamed that Angelina Jolie was my egg donor.

No really!

It's a reoccurring dream I have been having lately. I am sitting on the couch eating pizza and Angie appears in a cloud of lemon meringue. At first I think she's an angel. "I have a gift for you" she says demurely with a flash of her pearly bonded teeth. I notice the little satin pillow she as in her hand. It's the cheezy kind you find on wedding websites for your ring-bearer. But there's no ring. Just two tiny little fireflies buzzing above it.

"Here..." she says, placing the pillow into my greasy pepperoni fingers. "For a mere $7,000,000 co-pay these can be yours. We can drop them into your womb and you would have a 61 % success rate at conceiving.(another smile). Isn't that better than your measly 22% at your age and (ahem) size?"

I notice that her collarbone lifts gently from the bodice of her gown . Her arms are white and veiny. As she hands me the pillow I think. "Gee, she IS pretty! We would have beautiful children. But would I feel they are truly MINE? I mean, I would be nurturing them in my body, and I'd love them as much as if they came from my own DNA. We COULD mortgage the condo, maybe get a few more jobs. I think we could drum up some extra cash, but not the $7mm required for this transaction!

My husband comes in to the room holding a beer. He's speechless at the arrival of our new visitor. I can sense he is leaving some room for ME to make this decision. He loves me and would support my wishes and dreams (and who can refute the astounding cuteness of our future offspring, if this were to pass).

I look at Angelina in her stunning gown and baubles. I think of all the adventure and excitement I have had in my life. I HAVE been truly blessed in that way. But these experiences have prolonged my settling down, my time of finding the right partner. Now I'm 41 and newlywed, and ANGELINA JOLIE is offering me her eggs!

"Limited time offer" she says. Head cocked to one side as she glances at me through those crazy lashes.

I look at the "fireflies" buzzing gently in my hands. So delicate and beautiful. I look at my husband. I know he will be the best father in the world. He's already the best husband. I consider the chemical pregnancies we have had and the misscarriage I seem to be having this weekend...."A 61% success rate" I think. That would end the hurt and the pain of these losses.

She glows like a cloud of frosting. I would eat her if I could.

"No thank you, Angelina." I reply. (I dare not call her Angie.)" As kind and thoughtful as the offer is, we will have to decline." My husband utters a surprising sigh of relief. "We'll try naturally for a few months and then we'll do IVF again. There's still time..." I reply, a little teary eyed.

"OK." She whispers."But if you change your mind, or need me in the future, I'll be out on Long Island wrapping up my latest film. The offers good until your insurance runs out."

She flashes another brilliant smile and turns to leave. "Ummm?" She stalls, with a guilty, beseeching look that almost makes me grin "Can I have a slice of that pizza?" She asks. "I haven't eaten in months."

IVF and the Red Sox?

2009-08-15T10:32:00.000-07:00

I’m putting this out there to see if anyone has any sound advice for a frisky lass like me.

In Boston, the jockey boys seem to be very superstitious. There seems to be some belief that whatever you are doing while good luck abounds, you must KEEP doing it, so as not to jinx your good fortune. There was one year that the Red Sox were winning the pennant, and men just stopped shaving through the winning streak, so as not to “cool” the team. They said it was to “reverse the curse” against the Yankees, and soon began looking more like billy goats than the handsome strapping men they once were. EEEK!

Would a woman resign from shaving her legs while her favorite American Idol was on a winning streak? Would this abundance of leg hair actually seal his or her success?

I mean who would DO THAT????

I bring this up because my husband (g-d love him) is one of these superstitious jocks. He’s been very sweet and cuddly lately but our recent nights have been very G-rated! I mean, we’ve been married less than a year and he’s pulling out old Disney DVD’s to watch instead of trying to “take me” on the carpet. Where’s all the lust and romance I once knew (oh so briefly) in our months pre-IVF?

Finally, I asked him “What's up”?

“I don’t want to be a cooler” he says, alluding to a person who brings bad luck to someone (or a person that might shave during a the Sox’s next winning streak and thus jeopardize their success).”I don’t want to jinx US?”

I realized, once I translated his lingo into something I could understand, that he decided that he won’t shag me until we get a positive pregnancy test. See, we’re on the dreaded two week wait. That seemingly endless time between IVF and the first pregnancy test. Our luck has not been good in the past, leading up to this milestone.

I do hope we get a positive test, but when will he let wood be wood again? Will we make it to home base or will I strike out again?? We all know the first trimester is the hardest. Will this go on for the first three months? The full term? What do I do?

Has this ever happened to anyone else? I wish I could just ask him to forgo chocolate or something, but not sex!!!!

Your Weekend Fortune Cookie

2009-08-15T07:40:00.000-07:00

I am sending good chi to all the gorgeous ladies out there who are hoping to move there life into new territory! I don't care if you are married, single, gay, straight, rich or blonde. I don't care if that push to move your life forward involves making a baby, landing a job or exploring something new in order to fulfill a deep curiosity. I just want to say that you should be PROUD of yourself. Sit in your POWER and know you are beautiful and wise. That's my weekend fortune cookie wish for you today!

Leave a comment.... or create your own wish.... as I would like to hear from you....

Cheers!

The Little Engine That Could

2009-08-14T06:06:00.000-07:00

"I think I can-I think I can- I think I can-aaaaarrrrrgh!"

It's a gorgeous friday morning here and the birds are calling outside my window. The Boston commuter traffic is still hushed, but soon it will resemble a soft, metallic roar. I can see Tobin Bridge and the Bunker Hill Monument from my window.

This solitude distracts me from the remains of the day. In a half hour I will dress, shower (hopefully) and go get a blood test, ending my two week wait. It's only been two weeks since IVF and it feels like forever. I'm nervous for the outcome of this test ....I want a break a trend in our test taking and get some favorable news this time.

I'm sorry. I wanted this to be a funny (or at least charming and irreverent) post today, but I don't have it in me.(Chuga Chugga Chug). Maybe if I count my blessings I will see it in a different way....When my beloved niece was born, my sister would sit with her in her arms and ask her to count her blessings. Since she really couldn't talk, much less gurgle, my sister would tell her all the beautiful, wonderful things she had to look forward to, and the things in her life she would one day value. "You are healthy, you are beautiful, you are loved..." Sometimes it is so simple. So important.

Maybe I'll adopt that mantra today (I'm sure my baby niece won't mind), instead of "I think I can (get pregnant)- I think I can (make it through the day)", I'll say simply this.... I think it's true for all of us:

"I am healthy. I am beautiful. I am loved."

Make up your own mantra for the day. At the very least , it's something we can do for ourselves to speed our caboose along.

Wishing you joy!

Belly Dancing Helps

2009-08-13T10:07:00.000-07:00

My husband says that if I “believe” then good things will happen for us. I do agree with the power of positive thinking, but every time I try to say “I AM pregnant” it sounds more like a question than a statement. I guess if you have been on this journey for so long, it’s hard to visualize something that seems so far away.

But sometimes, when I close my eyes and relax, I can see two little glowing pearls deep inside me. Two, beautiful lovely orbs of light. This is bigger than any word, any hope. Any question.

And belly dancing helps! I highly recommend this to all the gorgeous women reading this. Get up in the morning and make up your own belly dance. Celebrate the roundness of your hips and the shape of your body and play some music you love and DANCE. Dance for yourself. Dance for all your wisdom and great potential. Make up the moves as you go along. Just dance.

This I do for ME. I started it once I went on crinone (progesterone) to help prevent miscarriage, and my Doctor said it stays in place best if you are active. So I made up a little dance I do each morning to OWN this situation and celebrate it MY way. My dance is somewhere between a belly dance, a hula and something you might have seen at woodstock.

I did it for my husband this weekend. He calls it the Crinone Dance.

Whether it helps me keep this potential life moving inside me or it’d just another way to lift my spirits, it seems to be working.

Try it.

Wishing you joy, peace and love.

Fill Your Cup

2009-08-13T07:13:00.000-07:00

For all those wild women going through the baby making process, I salute you! I wish I could take you all out for a pedicure and a glass of proseco. Since this is not possible, I will do what little I can to add humor to your day.

Here are 5 suggestions to help make this process a little less rocky .....

1. FILL YOUR CUP. Find something that you can pour your hopes and energy into.

I'm talking about something for YOU! I knew a social worker once who said that life is like a leaky paper cup. We spend so much of our time giving our "essence" to our jobs, friends, lovers and material pursuits that soon our cup is empty. We have nothing left to give to ourselves. FILL YOUR CUP with something that fortifies and enriches you. For me it is the belly dance I've adopted each morning. This BLOG has helped me put my hopes into the universe. My COUNCILLOR has been a guiding force and fantastic sounding board. The ladies at work I MENTOR have helped me learn a thing or two about life (as well as Gen Y) and refresh my SPIRIT with the philanthropy benefits we take on together. These are things I do, but you must find your own passions to keep your essence alive. It may take time away from your aforementioned job and lover but you will have so much more to give back!

This process of adding on to your family is hard whether it's adoption, IVF, surrogacy, or the plain au' natural method. It's easy for a woman (or man) to feel lost in it. To feel less than whole. You must do things for yourself to replenish your spirit.

2. NOURISH your body.

A friend of mine uses this word often, and the assonance of the vowels roll off her tongue like smoke rings. NOOOUUUURISH your body! It sounds so simple but so easily overlooked. YOU are going to the the incubator of the future most loved person in your world, and YOU need to take care of YOU. Granted I like a good donut once in a while, but all I am saying is do things that make you feel like you are lovin' on yourself. I experiment with acupuncture, cooking yummy soups, and slathering lotion all over my big, lustful body. Find your own way to nourish and fortify yourself. You'll feel better : )

3. NAME YOUR ALTER EGO.

When I was single and seething with vitality and lust I had an alter ego named CELESTE. I envisioned her as a cat with soft silver hair, green eyes , and a rhinestone tiara. Celeste was obviously me, but she was an uber-confident coquette that I needed to call upon when I felt a shy insecurity creeping in. Sometimes I would call upon Celeste when I had to do a big presentation at work and had knocky knees, or when I needed a little extra chutspah (translated: girlpower) on a first date.

NOW my alter ego is TARRA. She presented herself one day after I began the series of hormone screeching shots I needed to take leading up to IVF. Tarra is a pterodactyl. Now, while pterodactyls

: Alter ego? Or predator?

are not as cute and cuddly as a domesticated house cat, they CAN fly and they do have their own "special" beauty. I think they even have talons! My Tarra hisses sometimes (especially on the meds) but my husband knows it's NOT ME, it's Tarra! We even joke about it if she says something particularly heinous. I just put my hand to my mouth. Then we blame her (she sits on my shoulder) and we go on with our day....

Now my man had taken up his own alter ego. His name is Bronto. I just found out he's a brontosaurous. So when Tarra throws a shit storm, Bronto snaps back. Then, we laugh at them both and share a pizza. (By the way, pizza is on the list of nourishing foods!)

4. READ a slutty summer novel.

I'm joking here, but I have found with the shots, hormones and Doctor visits that it HAS helped me to have a mental break into some steamy summer novel. It's like taking a vacation without leaving the waiting room.

5. TALK to your friends- but set ground-rules!

We can't help it. Throughout all of time women have benefited by a little "kibitzing" with other women. Who else but your best friend is going to let you talk about your vagina and not hold it against you? Now there does come a point when we ALL (myself included) get a little obsessed and talk about it- and this experience- a little too much. Know when to stop!

And as far as ground-rules go, my sister (wise woman that she is), told me when I began this journey to let people know what you are comfortable with and what might be "don't ask, don't tell". For example, I appreciate that my friends and family ask me "how are you doing?" It's an open careful question that I can explore as deeply as I wish to. I have asked them not to ask for dates or those queasy details that maybe I'm not ready to divulge. Why are dates on the No-No list? Because every dear friend and Jewish (or not) mother remembers all the dates you tell her, and will follow up promptly (out of love) to see how it went. Maybe you are not ready to announce the results of your two week wait, or you need some mental processing time. The "no dates" rule keeps things from being time bound so you can disclose what you want, when you want to.

Much love, luck and happiness to you. I hope it helps!

IVF and the Newlywed: 1

2009-08-10T05:11:00.000-07:00

I started this blog because I realized that I was finding reassurance, humor and hope in the writings of other women. Maybe this is my small way to make a difference too.

I am- or was- the typical single girl living in a big city. Career minded. Maybe a little guarded. At first I mistook drama for passion, choosing dashing military men as long-distance lovers. I thought I would one day retire, still single, and live in the hills of Santa Fe while handsome pool boys would fan me with palm fronds. I imagined I would look something like Lanie Kazan at that stage. Wearing exotic caftans and head wraps. Taking quick drags of filtered cigarettes through long acrylic nails.

This was not a pretty picture.

My job affords me the opportunity to travel the world. To work with great designers and be a leader and influencer of young talent. It is a career I treasure and a life I love. Still something was missing. Something loin-tingling I suppose.

At parties or on dates, I would be sure to let people know I was single by choice, and that I believed a relationship should be the coupling of two strong, unique individuals, not the suppression of individuality. This did not help me to make it to the second date! I realized soon that men like to know you need them, you treasure them, and that it’s okay to be vulnerable once in a while.

I met my husband on match.com. I’m a big fan of match. In Boston, we call it the expressway of dating. You can go for the scenic route, the fast lane, or the meaningful, long journey. Boston is known for it’s aggressive drivers, both on and off the highway.

I love my husband because he thinks strong, independent women are sexy. I also love that he’s a great Italian cook and he calls me on my shit. He brings love and humor to my life in ways I never anticipated.

So now we are approaching our first anniversary. Honeymooners in our early 40’s! We are also in the throws of IVF. This is our second try at IVF after a chemical pregnancy a few months ago. At the time, I never expected to feel such a loss.

My girlfriend (wise woman she is) said that there is no “sliding scale” for grieving. You don’t grieve less simply because you were only pregnant for a short time. You were still pregnant. There was life within you, and then it was gone.

Now I try to do things to keep me looking on the positive side of things. I get up each morning and do a little “belly dance” around the house in my underwear. I drink the Chinese herbs that my acupuncturist prescribed to me (they taste like dirt and cowhide) and envision the light within me. I know we have no control over the outcome of this process but I do feel like we can steer the course, to at least make the day FEEL better, with our humor and our hope. We can do what we can to romance the stone within us.

So this is a new chapter of our journey. I believe that it has brought my husband and I closer together. At nine months into our marriage we are truly being tested. If we can keep moving forward, imagine what a foundation we are building? I just wish I did not feel so alone at times. Where are all my sisters?