A Little (Baby got) Back-story

I love this time of year. Besides the manic rush to fill everyone's stocking with things they don't need-I blog, and dream, and get lots of comments. I treasure every comment someone takes the time to leave behind as I do believe they fill me with some superpower juice. (Perhaps it's just the meds).


The Bear does not understand my fascination with blogging (something, by the way, I thought I would NEVER do). G-d forbid he catches me tweeting. I tell him it's kind of like his unbridled obsession with football, or with sugary breakfast cereal. "You know when you paint your belly blue and you go out there in the freezing cold and have a tailgate party at Gillette Stadium? " I explain "All that (dare I say) brotherhood and bonding over pony kegs??? Well, that feeling you get is what blogging gives me (without the hangover)." 


A little hooyah for all my sisters on the "Visiting" team. Our stats might be questionable, but we are here to kick some @ss!!!!! 

Random strangers

And we don't have to paint our bellies blue to do so!
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For those of you visiting this blog for the first time, I wanted to give you a little backstory. I am a 41 year old newlywed. That might sound rather "golden aged" but I still get carded and have wonderful skin. I feel 28 on the inside when I am not pumped up on meds.


I always aspired to be a high powered career girl with many lovers and pool boys who would fan me with palm fronds. The career developed beyond my expectation, but the lovers were duds and no pool boys materialized. One day I read this ridiculous article in O Magazine where the writer suggested that if you put your INTENTIONS into the would, you would reap a bountiful harvest. She said you had to write a list of 100 things you hoped to find in a partner, to fully actualize your hope in your mind. I had nothing to loose, as I found the love-over-30's dating scene to be somewhat lackluster, so I gave it a try. I got stuck around #64 I remember, but I mustered on. I remember asking that he "had a job", "had nice hands", "was devoted to his family" and "cracked me up" among more direct and personal hopes. (These hopes might seem simple and shallow but you would be AMAZED at some of singletons out there!) Writing this list made me feel somehow empowered. But as most "life changing" resolutions go, I quickly forgot about it.


About six months later, I met this crazy guy after a string of horrid internet dates. On our second date, he insisted on cooking dinner for me in my tiny condo. I noticed his big hands. As he passed me a glass of wine, I thought about my penchant for pool boys. Was this somewhat better?


After a few dates we began sharing our history. I told him things in the hope of scaring him away, so that I could resume my independent life. I mentioned that I had pursued adoption through foster care (then on hold), and had explored being a single mother by choice (unfortunate miscarriage). Surprisingly, he did not run screaming from my life. Instead, he somehow understood and expressed his desire to one-day become the father he always wanted to have. He was a keeper.


We were married five months later.


After we were married, I stumbled on that journal of "man-traits" as I was cleaning out the office. I was surprised to see that it felt as if I was describing him! The only pitfall- the "# 72.stylish dresser" is sometimes questionable, but hey, he still ROCKS in those nylon wind pants and that shade of acid washed jean will one day come back again!


So that's our story. Fifteen months into our marriage and we have endured extensive prodding and poking (and not in the good way,) several losses and many bumps and cheers on the road to baby hood. We have also experienced countless tears and laughter. I would never want to do it with anyone else.


Write your list. Then throw it away. It probably won't bring you additional luck, but it's nice to put your hope and intention into the universe.


(Thanks Elizabeth)

Wishing you joy.

Sending LOVE

Hello all you gorgeous women out there.
I just wanted to send you some good energy!!!!

Listen, I spoke with the Bear last night, and we decided that whatever we hear later today regarding (our pregnancy test )will have to be kept between us until after Christmas. As much as I would like to share our results with you sisters, we feel it best to have a face to face with out families first-and we won't see my side until we fly out for Xmas day.
Plus my mother, sister and sister in law are following this blog from time to time, and I wouldn't want them to get their news (good OR bad) through the blog.

Also, I know that things change and the beginning is so fragile. So if the news is good, I'd just like to sit with it for a little while before putting it out on the blogosphere. If it's not good, I'll definitely need some processing time!

Deep breath!!!

I will say however that I am thinking of all of you. Everyone who has read this blog or has left a comment, and I have you all in my heart : )

We did the reverse the curse rituals last night and I have to say that it did fill me with a lot of girl power and happiness before the PT. I must say that sleeping on the opposite side of the bed was super fun, and having an "afternoon delight" first thing in the morning really started the day off right! So no matter the outcome I am covered in good luck charms today and feel full of good energy. I highly recommend making your own rituals to get through the Pregnancy test!
Wishing you well!
Shell

Willing the G-ds of Fate : Part 2

Happy Hanukkah to all you Jewbies out there!


For those of you that don't know the story of Hanukkah, it's really about faith. I was not raised very religously, so let me give you the Brooklyn skinny. Long, long ago there was this group of Jewish folk who were being persecuted. They took refuge in a temple. They had only one lamp, with oil for one night in it. Somehow, the lamp burned for eight days instead of one, and that's how they knew G-d was with them, and G-d had their backs.
Last night my Italian-American husband and I lit our menorah to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. Being married to a Jewish princess, my dear one is getting accustomed to all of these "unusual rituals". Last year he walked uphill in the snow to surprise me with candles for our menorah. This year he made us a feast (of roast beast and mashed potatoes) and got me a glow in the dark dredel. 


So we lit our menorah to celebrate to first night of hanukkah. We said a prayer. We put the small photo we have of our little embies next to the candles in a makeshift alter. 


Hopeful, our G-d has our back. Hopefully She/He knows how very much we hope to add on to our family.


I know that everything happens in its own time. I do not know if our children will be born through our bodies, but I am assured in my heart that they WILL come in to our lives when the time is right.


As far as willing the G-ds of fate into reversing the cycle of devastating news after our past IUI's andIVF's I have decided to simplify my action plan, so I am not overwhelmed by ritual. The following is my abridged action plant for blood test day:


1. The Bear and I will sleep on opposite sides of the bed. That way I will truly be starting the day on the right foot.
2.I have been soliciting "good luck" charms from a few friends. I will bring these tolkens with me to the test. You can't have too many wishes from friends.
3. I might still eat ice cream for breakfast.
4. I just surprised the Bear with two skybox tickets to this Sunday's Patriot's game (a gift from a dear friend) so I hope the great sex the night before the test is still a possibility....
5. Possibly flowers and words of affirmation left among post it notes by my desk...


Easy enough....
Any comments you leave for us will be added to our GOOD LUCK treasure trove!!!!!!


Whatever your faith, I wish you the BEST and I hope G-d had your back!!!!
Love, Shell

Willing the G-ds of Fate

I’m still at the tail end of the two week wait. We are trying to decide if it’s best to have the nurses give me the news of my blood test, or have them call the Bear. I want to be IN CONTROL and hear it, but I don’t want to be stuck between meetings weeping in the bathroom stall (as before….).

Sometimes it feels like the movie“Goundhog’s Day” where we remain in a cycle of horrific repetition. We get the same news every time. I am always told I am pregnant, but the numbers are too low. They make me do other bloodtests and wait till the number is zero before they leave me alone. It makes me feel like my soul is holding on to a faint heartbeat that is getting slower and slower until it stops. It’s been terribly painful for both my husband and me.

Obviously I cannot control fate, but if I can break out of the cycle of repetition, perhaps I am doing something in my small way to WILL the g-ds of fate to give us a new solution. What if I do everything differently on the day of our blood test? Here are some of my ideas so far. I'd love additional feedback and other ideas. Even silly or outlandish ones....


1. I will wear something very bright, even though it's winter in New England. That way the g-ds of fate may take notice and I will proclaim "This is the day!"
Maybe I'll wear a lucky necklace or something I haven't worn before...


2. I will get my blood drawn at another location.


3.I will have massive sex the night before. That's not something I would normally do before the test.


4. I will begin the day eating something unconventional- like ICE cream for BREAKFAST.


5. I will leave myself little notes of affirmation at work, so no matter what the news, I will see these little wise and supportive thoughts.


6. I will go to temple a few days before. It will be Hanukkah no less! (If I am not feeling particularly Jewish, I will create my own little temple and say a prayer somewhere...)


7. I will send myself flowers...(????)I have not done that- so no matter what the outcome I will get a little present of love.


8. I will leave a little WISH note in the third stocking we have hanging on the mantle. That way our wish is out in the universe. 


Any other ideas???????? Any favorites.


Please say a little prayer for us and our embies! Every little bit helps....

A hen atop eggs

I feel as if I have run a marathon in my mind. Acknowledging I was going to take on the challenge of infertility was one thing. Yet another was getting up and over that first hill. But we did it! We had 18 egglets which developed into 8 embies, 5 of which were plump and beautiful. I said a little prayer for the remaining 3 as they were not able to be saved or put back into my womb.

It’s so hard. This process. The questions about when life truly begins. Still, I cannot help but feel immeasurably blessed to have the benefit of science and the support of loved ones through this journey.

When I was younger- still a sassy single lass- I considered becoming a single mother by choice. I also explored adoption through foster care. I have so much respect for men and women who follow their heart and take on convention. The only thing holding me back, was that I was not ready at the time. But I am proud I explored it, and I went as far as I could go with it. Sometimes, pulling out of the race takes as much courage as staying in it.

So now I sit here, like a plump hen atop a handful of eggs. I am in such gratitude it is inexpressible. That is my way of coping and surviving through this trying time. To sit in grace, if even for a moment.

Everything happens in its own time. I would not be the woman I am today if I had reached the finish line any earlier. I would not have been with my husband, whom I discovered later in my life. I would not have this strength within me, this smile on my face, or this appreciation for this phenomenal, although imperfect body.

I would not appreciate the gifts we hope to receive nearly as much if they were given to me easily.I have been lucky to be successful in life, but I have worked hard for all I have achieved. And as much as a “career girl” as I may be , I am happy to feel like a hen atop eggs today.

Whatever happens, I welcome it with grace.

Thank you g-d for giving me the opportunity to run this race, and to do so with such beautiful wonderful women whom I have met on this marathon…

My best to all of you

Shell

A Birthday of Sorts

It’s one of those days outside where you can’t tell if it’s 10am or 4pm. This transitional haze seems to coat everything. Still I feel like it’s a BIRTHday of sorts! Today is the day of our IVF transfer.

This will be our 3rd and I am cautiously hopeful that the day will go well. Our first transfer was a bit of a debacle. The attending RE was cruel and insensitive and kept yelling at me not to talk or move through the procedure. I felt like a chained animal. So primal and frightened. I heard later from the nurses that he’s been known to lock ladies out of the bathroom so they keep a full bladder for the procedure. He might be a brilliant Dr., but I hope someone pees on him one day!

So Crazy MD recommended that I be “knocked out” for transfer #2 so I wouldn’t cause any more havoc in the Operating room. I couldn’t agree more with the concept of sleeping through a very vulnerable experience and waking up slightly high and happy. Unfortunately, they forgot to tell me to have some water before I arrived, and when they tried to administer the IV they had to stick me 14 times before I made them stop. There was blood all over the floor and my husband was turning blue.

I opted for valium.

MMMMMMMMMmmmmmmm! Valium. Now I know what they mean my the term mother’s little helper!

Luckily the IVF Dr. #2 had soft and gentle eyes and was wonderful. He kept me distracted and I was able to get through it. I also realized after round 1 that I can’t have my husband in the OR with me. I just feel too vulnerable and get very self conscious.

I really liked the Dr. who did the retrieval this week. Everyone at BWH Boston was awesome and I felt very well cared for. At times I tried to pretend I was at the spa (wishful thinking ) and they were working on my energy from the inside out. I hope the transfer Dr. will be equally kind and ease me through this.

At this point of the IVF journey, you have had so many people in your “business”. You don’t think twice when you are prodded and poked in your naughty bits. But that transfer is the hardest part for me. It’s like a reunion with hope and these little bits of life that I love so much! Fate is back in your hands, and even though much of it is out of your sphere of influence, a bit of life is re-deposited inside you. 

Each time you have to go through another doorway on this journey- sex for fun to sex for baby making, talking to a specialist, testing, clomid, IUI,IVF, etc….you find this immeasurable strength that you didn’t know you had before. Two years ago, I never imagined that I would choose to do IVF. Now I am on my 3rd try and I thank g-d for the gift of modern science. 

Women are strong, we keep on going. I love that.

Wishing you the very best….

Three Little Stockings

18 follicles at time of retrieval. 8 developing embies as of yesterday. I hope hope hope the numbers stay good and we have some strong little ones for the transfer tomorrow.

I’ve been so restless today. I can’t sit still. It’s a gorgeous day in Boston and I had to take off and get lost in TJ Maxx, only to buy a ton of stuff I don’t really need. I felt a little twinge as I walked past the children’s christmas pajamas. Even through I will NEVER dress my future child in sparkly gingham and lace,  it felt a bit like a them vs. us moment.

I did do something unexpected. I bought 3 Christmas stockings. Quite remarkable for several reasons:

1. I am  Jewish!

2. We already have some tacky holiday stocking somewhere in the basement.

3. There are only two of us, right now…..

I just couldn’t help it. They were surprisingly lovely. Heavy gauge sweater knit and crocheted in  beautiful patterns. For The Bear- a cream colored stocking of gorgeous cable knit with gold trim. For me, a funky stripe of red, pink, lime green and white. And for XXXXX, a sweet little red fairisle with red pom poms.

I thought it might be interesting to mount all three on the mantle. To fill the little one up with wishes and notes that we could save until there’s a new person in our family to read them to. Notes of love and wishes that they come into our lives soon.

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On a different note, I have discovered a “cycle buddy” all the way in New Zealand. We write to each other and send some good energy across the pond. It’s Egghunt! Check out her blog. And if you are cycling with us, drop us a line. It’s been nice to stay connected.

I wish everyone reading this peace, love and good fortune.

Shell & The Bear

Sexy Drawers and Egglets

17 egglets as of Wednesday. Pretty exciting news. The nurse on the phone was so sweet, filling us in on the details and telling us about our 2am HCG shot. I even wore cute underwear for the shot. I know it’s stressful for both of us, and I figured having sassy-pants on would at least make us feel a little more like US ! So I got out of my frumpy pajamas when the Bear was setting up the shot, and put on my cutest pair of drawers that he hadn’t seen before. I bent over the pillows and “assumed the position”— for the intramuscular injection that is! The needle looked HUGE. It usually helps me if I sing or try to laugh or cough while it’s going in. (I learned that from my acupuncturist). For some reason, I just started saying “Ho,ho,ho,ho,hoooow!”. I sounded like an S&M Santa !

I don’t know if it was the relief that the shot was over, my new lacy drawers, or my sexy Santa impersonation, but the Bear started getting a little amorous. Of course, then we start laughing hysterically because we CAN’T do anything about it, since we have a pact with the RE to go 3 days before the transfer without any lovin. We are just cracking up because of the irony of all this. Me saying, “what’s another few hours, they’ll never know! I’ll only need 17 of your guys on friday!” The Bear saying he wants “optimal results and we have to wait.” Obviously he’s “driving the car” on this one and who am I to mess with the laws of science? It’s just silly that you have to NOT have sex in order to make a baby through IVF, but I know he takes his numbers VERY seriously. Funny nonetheless. I think I won’t forget that soon!

The first time we ever tried to do the HCG trigger shot (for IVF#1) we were in a skybox at the Boston Garden. My friend had given us 2 tickets to see the Celtics Playoffs on the Bear’s birthday. It was a great night, surrounded by friends and drinking free beer in the skybox. We went in the bathroom at 8:30pm, and my friend kept watch at the door. It turned in to a nightmare! The HCG vial had somehow broken in its paper box and the powder and glass were everywhere! We rushed to the hospital hoping the Center for Infertility would have a spare vial in the Hospital pharmacy. For 3 hours, the physicians in the ER called everywhere, trying to procure a tiny replacement. I thought I was going to loose all my eggs. Then, around 11:30 pm, the pharmacist from a Village Pharmacyhad unlocked his lab and hand delivered another vial. I can’t tell you how I cried! The next day I sent him and his staff 2 dozen cookies and became a fan forever!

So this time was obviously better than HCG#1, although the Celtics game WAS fun! I think this experience, as daunting as it is, has brought me and the Bear closer together. I am glad to have him here with me through this process.

So instead of writing about how I am scared and anxious about today, I will say that I am THANKFUL for the opportunity to try to add on to our family. I am THANKFUL for our dear friends and family who have supported us through this journey. And I am THANKFUL for love, and for fate, which has brought me to this moment.

Fingers, crossed, chest, out, tail-feathers high!

WHAT ARE YOU THANKFUL FOR TODAY????

Make it a Dozen!

I have 10 egglets so far! Just little seedlings of things to come but the RE said it’s very promising. They lowered my stim meds because my estrodial level was soaring too quickly. They called me a high responder? Sounds like the nerdy kid at the front of the classroom with her eager  hand up in the air  (yes that WAS me! Nerdy girl).

I just wish that the quality of my old eggs matches my body’s enthusiasm.

41.

To have found love at 40 and be trying to conceive at 41. It’s kinda crazy. I have colleagues at work with pre-teens with body hair. But hey, I always imagined I’d be successful and unattached, travel the world and have many lovers. I was lucky in the regard that I DID get to live the life I longed for. I checked off many of the boxes on my life-list and eventually I decided to rewrite my list. I remember telling a friend, who was struggling in an unhealthy relationship, to figure out where he wanted to be on the day he died, and work backwards. I realized I needed to heed my own advice and decide what stories I wanted to have at the end of my life. 

That story led me to where I am today. 

If I am indeed “working backwards” than I know intuitively what I hope lies ahead. I don’t know how I will get there yet, but I am happy to be on this journey toward a deeper truth.

So my 10 little egglets are making their way in the world. The Bear came with me to the ultrasound today but I couldn’t stop laughing when it was time for the dildocam. There’s something about your lover seeing you with your legs in the air and a plastic probe under your gown that really makes you self-conscious (you THINK!!!!). And the gown- Jeezus- that’s the first thing I’d like to redesign! How bout something RED and fabulous for all of us strong, mighty bitches out there!

(I mean bitches in the nicest way- if you are on meds I am sure you know that!)