IVF and the Newlywed: 1

I started this blog because I realized that I was finding reassurance, humor and hope in the writings of other women. Maybe this is my small way to make a difference too.

I am- or was- the typical single girl living in a big city. Career minded. Maybe a little guarded. At first I mistook drama for passion, choosing dashing military men as long-distance lovers. I thought I would one day retire, still single, and live in the hills of Santa Fe while handsome pool boys would fan me with palm fronds. I imagined I would look something like Lanie Kazan at that stage. Wearing exotic caftans and head wraps. Taking quick drags of filtered cigarettes through long acrylic nails. 

This was not a pretty picture.

My job affords me the opportunity to travel the world. To work with great designers and be a leader and influencer of young talent. It is a career I treasure and a life I love. Still something was missing. Something loin-tingling I suppose.

At parties or on dates, I would be sure to let people know I was single by choice, and that I believed a relationship should be the coupling of two strong, unique individuals, not the suppression of individuality. This did not help me to make it to the second date! I realized soon that men like to know you need them, you treasure them, and that it’s okay to be vulnerable once in a while.

I met my husband on match.com. I’m a big fan of match. In Boston, we call it the expressway of dating. You can go for the scenic route, the fast lane, or the meaningful, long journey. Boston is known for it’s aggressive drivers, both on and off the highway.

I love my husband because he thinks strong, independent women are sexy. I also love that he’s a great Italian cook and he calls me on my shit. He brings love and humor to my life in ways I never anticipated.

So now we are approaching our first anniversary. Honeymooners in our early 40’s! We are also in the throws of IVF. This is our second try at IVF after a chemical pregnancy a few months ago. At the time, I never expected to feel such a loss.

My girlfriend (wise woman she is) said that there is no “sliding scale” for grieving. You don’t grieve less simply because you were only pregnant for a short time. You were still pregnant. There was life within you, and then it was gone.

Now I try to do things to keep me looking on the positive side of things. I get up each morning and do a little “belly dance” around the house in my underwear. I drink the Chinese herbs that my acupuncturist prescribed to me (they taste like dirt and cowhide) and envision the light within me. I know we have no control over the outcome of this process but I do feel like we can steer the course, to at least make the day FEEL better, with our humor and our hope. We can do what we can to romance the stone within us.

So this is a new chapter of our journey. I believe that it has brought my husband and I closer together. At nine months into our marriage we are truly being tested. If we can keep moving forward, imagine what a foundation we are building? I just wish I did not feel so alone at times. Where are all my sisters?