Sweet Article about Motherhood, Adoption and Love

My family c.1972

This is one of my favorite articles on motherhood. The Bear read it to me a few weeks ago when we were at a little cafe before puppy shopping. (No puppy, but the day was wonderful....) Enjoy!

Baby, what a difference

A decade later, a lot has changed in the world of motherhood

By Louise Kennedy, Globe Staff  |  December 5, 2009
Babies don’t change much from one era to the next, but babyhood sure does.

At least that’s how it feels as I compare the arrivals of my two children, more than a decade apart. I gave birth to our son 12 years ago, and this summer my husband and I met our daughter in China, one week after her first birthday.

OK, so technically that makes her a toddler, not a baby, and certainly there are plenty of differences between preparing for a newborn and bringing home a 1-year-old. But the two of them are so startlingly similar in temperament and habits - both alert, curious, and cheerful (or, as I say in my grumpier moods, lousy sleepers, into everything, and loud) - that it makes it easier to see that, even with only 11 years between their births, they’ve landed in two surprisingly different worlds.

I started noticing the changes even before we flew to China in July. When I was pregnant with C.J., I read a few books, talked to a few friends, and made a list of the items we’d need. A friend supplied the crib, my mother bought a deluxe stroller, and for the car seat we went to Babies R Us, checked out the five or six models on the shelf, and picked the one that looked sturdiest and easiest to clean. Diapers, onesies, board books, done.
For T.T., on the other hand, things seemed much more complex. That was partly because the slowdown in adoptions from China meant that I had more than three years to make my lists. But the real difficulty, I think, was simply that there was so much more information available than before - and instantly, addictively available, too, via our new friend the Internet.

The trouble became most apparent once we’d actually received some basic information about our daughter, so that I finally knew (roughly) how big she was and what kind of car seat she’d need. But why schlep to the store, I thought, if I can just shop from the comfort of home?

And thus began my three days of Car-Seat Craziness. I quickly discovered not just the shopping sites, but also the online reviews and arguments about every imaginable style and brand of car seat. Issues I had never even considered - matching seat precisely to vehicle type, fretting about the compression factor of winter coats, locating an inspection site - soon flooded my brain.

Finally, sated with data and dizzy with ratings, I pointed and clicked on the model that I’d liked at first sight - and then found it for $100 off because I was willing to choose a less popular fabric.

Which brings me to another oddity about Planet Baby 2009: the new obsession with style, not just in all those adorable little outfits (now far cheaper and more accessible than in the dark ages of 1997) but in every accoutrement of infant life. Designer diaper bags? For 200 bucks or even more? When I knew that, no matter how stylish, in a year the thing would sit, beat-up and becrumbed, next to the sippy cups and snack holders in a box headed for Goodwill?

On the other hand, sippy-cup design and snack-holder technology have really come a long way in the past 12 years. That, plus all the cute, cheap clothing, is my happiest discovery in this brave new world. Oh, and baby sign language - something I’d dismissed as a yuppie trend back then, but now fully embrace as a remarkable way to soothe the frustrations of a young person who has plenty to communicate, but just can’t do it with her vocal cords quite yet.

Significant advances, all. They almost make up for the baffling, and dismaying, rise of electronic technology aimed at infants. If there’s one way I’d turn back the clock, it’s by eliminating all the toys that produce nasty flashes and beeps. Of course, that might take us back to 1897, not 1997, so never mind.

So many changes - it’s almost enough to blog about. Except that that remains the single most incomprehensible difference of all between babyhood then and now. I am just as tired, just as busy, and just as besotted with this baby as I was with the last, and I assume that all the other new mothers are, too. So where, how, and when do they find the time to blog?


It’s a mystery, and one I’d be happy to contemplate at length, except that the baby just woke up from her nap.
Some things never change.
Louise Kennedy can be reached at kennedy@globe.com, but not very often until her maternity leave ends next month.  

RubyFeather is now on Facebook

So many ladies have written to say that they love the idea of our new girl-power group for those of us navigating the big IF. I have to say that it is so wonderful to get such an outpouring of support.

We have set up a facebook page so folks interested in Rubyfeather and what it represents can connect and support one another. This page is global, so you don’t have to live in Boston to become a member.

Also, by joining this page or becoming a “fan” you can help us spread the word about RubyFeather. I tried to keep the main premise of the group somewhat discreet in description.

Here’s the link….http://www.facebook.com/pages/Boston-MA/RubyFeather-Social-Club-New-England/160954877470?ref=share

Won’t you be my facebook friend?

What is RubyFeather?

We sit across from each other in the waiting room of the Infertility Clinic. Sometimes we are with a partner or a friend. Sometimes we come alone. We see each other at our IVF and IUI orientations – 5 hours of medial info and tears. Small talk at break over coffee. Downcast eyes. Beyond that, we don’t speak.

Now we are embroiled in the process. We talk to friends about it, but they don’t understand. How can they truly? Our partner is in the thick of it with us. Sometimes people ask us too many questions, or just tell us to “relax and it’ll happen!!”

We see each other again at the ultrasound clinic. First it’s the “high achievers” in suits, in line before 6am, then, the rest of us, somewhat discheveled. We each carry a folder full of numbers and stats, a map of the maze-like hospital, and our medical protocall. Red folders for IVF. Green for egg donation. Still, we don’t speak.

Eventually, we get so overcome by the process that we crave the comraderie of other women going through the experience. We join online chats and groups, and read countless blogs. We speak through the computer. A little echo in a long tunnel of silence. 

So many times, I’ve wanted to talk to you. I wanted to say “I UNDERSTAND.” I’ve wanted to give you a hug if you needed it, or a smile just to commiserate. It sucks. It really does! And noone knows it better than someone experiencing it as you are.

I’m the woman that sits across from you getting her blood drawn for the millionth time. You can also find me down in the ultrasound room. I’m the lady on line in the grocery store, buying pineapple and avoiding dairy. I’m your online BFF.

Let’s smile at one another next time. A big cheshire cat smile. Emanating like light from a once dark space.

Vaginasaurus

I’ve gotten about 50 hits on the blog this month by people searching the keyword “pterodactyl”. (See the posting: Fill Your Cup). Innocently, I recommended that anyone going through the baby-making process develop an “alter ego” to give voice to the new hyper-you that seems to come out during the meds and the stressful trials of trying to conceive. I refer to MY alter ego as Tarra, she’s a graceful pterodactyl. I could not go through this without Tarra. I can attribute (or blame her) for any mood swings or questionable tears that surface during the process. She’s also a great source of humor for both me and my husband, as we can just say “Tarra did it!” when anything particularly nasty comes out of my mouth.

Tarra sits on my right shoulder. She’s strong and powerful, but angers easily. Like me, she knows that even when it’s bad, it’s worth it. She’s not sure if this journey will bring us a baby through IVF, egg donation or adoption, but she assures me that there’s more than one way to make a family.

Tarra loves all women going on this journey, because no matter how beautiful, how successful, or how self-actualized we are, we are still humbled by the process. Her little reptile heart beats for each of us.

I bring this up for two reasons:

1. I think everyone should have an alter ego.

2. There are a handful of schoolchildren out there, looking for information on Dinosaurs, and finding a Vaginasaurus instead….

…..oops.

IVF and the Newlywed: Hidden & Seen

I went to visit my Guru today. To reach her I needed to walk through the Boston Public Garden. I was in such a rush. Walking briskly, I became so frustrated by the winding paths and curving roads that were in my way, I nearly forgot to see the striking beauty of this magic place.

No road is straight in the Public Garden, they rope like serpentine chains around old dogwood trees, bronze statues, a lake with swan boats and a rose garden. I was careening through the park, late for my appointment, when I stopped dead in my tracks.

“BE, where you ARE!” I said to myself.

Why are we predisposed to rushing? To getting to the finish line and missing out on the view? To forget the path curves for a purpose?

There is a concept in Japanese Garden Design called “mie gakure” which translates to mean “hidden and seen”. It is - to quote the experts- “a central design principle in Japanese stroll gardens, where the path curves and elements are arranged so that new, unexpected views are discovered at each turn.” * 

When we walk in a straight line, sometimes we only see what is in front of us. Maybe we get to our final destination faster, but what of the journey in-between?

The “a-ha!”moments of discovery?

I think of what I might be missing, when I am hell-bent on this IVF journey. Is my vision so blighted by the “finish line” that I forget to see all that I have around me? Look how lucky we are, to have family that loves us, a heart within that beats soundly and the ability to make bold choices with our lives and reproductive futures. These are truly gifts.

The park taught me something today in its silent, luscious beauty. I wasn’t looking for a sign, but maybe that winding road made me look up from the path I was on and take in something important. I need to remember to LOOK AROUND more often. To slow down and marvel at what I DO have, rather than regret and rush towards what I do not.

May your journey bring you much strength, happiness and LOVE…

(* Discover Nikkei, Japanese Immigrants and their Descendants www.discovernikkei.org/nikkeialbum/en/search/tag/garden)

IVF and the Newlywed: The Secret Garden

I just wrote a love letter to a Farmer in Mass.

He’s the grower at the Farm-share that we recently joined. When you live in a big city and have no “dirt” of your own, it’s inspiring to still reap the benefits of freshly grown food. Maybe it’s more meaningful to me right now, as my mind is very focused on sowing a bountiful harvest, both inside and outside of my person!

Yesterday was a rainy fall prelude, nestled between ripe sunny days. Secretly, I LOVE drizzly, sunless mornings (provided they don’t come too often). I light candles and bake; cooking hearty stews I pull from my old recipes. Rainy weekends force me to SLOW DOWN. There’s something about the womblike silence of a foggy day that brings me back to center.

 I keep listening to the Energy that surrounds me, again

telling me to BREATHE, and that everything will be clear in due time. The rain yesterday brought me a little time to think. My husband and I sat in the warm glow of dusk, and feasted on our bounty from the farm. We talked of hopes and plans. I realized that what’s been tormenting me, even more than our recent loss, is the uncertainty of what to do next.

 Before we spoke, adoption, egg donation, and IVF all offered

equal possibilities and equal anxiety. But once we broke each possibility down, the fog seemed to lift a little.

 I need a break from these meds and this IVF rollercoaster.

I’m afraid to loose another one, but I’m open to doing it one more time and then re-accessing. There is of course, a clause in all of this. I will have the rest of this month, and possibly next, to bask in my own power and take a BREAK. That means no doctors, no blood tests, no ultrasounds, no shots, etc etc!!! I can enjoy acupuncture and bikini waxes without worrying about the next person checking out my “candyland”. We can have sex based on passion and our own hope for procreation, and when he has to (or chooses to) blow his horn, he won’t be doing so because a nurse has called to advise us that it’s “time”. We can “come” and “go” freely for four to six weeks! I’ve forgotten what that feels like!

 Then , after my holiday of primal bliss, I will thereafter

succumb to a cycle of medically assisted reproduction.  I will be a happy patient, probably a little more grounded because I’ve given myself a chance to rest. We will supplement with acupuncture and Chinese herbs, and try to find time to enjoy our second year of marriage.

In the event that the next round of IVF is not successful, we will re-access and decide if we should give it another go, or form a new plan. I think we will explore receiving a donor egg, if we need to. I think any child born or received into love is one which is treasured and holy. I do not think I need to be the genetic mother of this baby to be its mother.  

We talked of adoption, but when I asked him what was truly in his heart, he said that he wanted to go on the journey of experiencing a birth together. He said he wanted to be there for Dr. visits and feel the baby kick in my belly. It made me feel very close to him.

I think we would like to adopt eventually, but it might be wonderful to go on that journey of love and have a child together. Any child, no matter it’s age, race or origin, would truly be our beloved. I know this as truth, so it’s really about finding the best way to make this happen.

 We spend our whole lives trying to find the “way” don’t we ?

As rebellious teenagers…. as young women landing our first job and finding our selves…. As lovers and mothers and daughters and friends. Can we find the time to reap our “truth” and make our life all we hope it to be?

I’ve talked to my acupuncturist about this harvesting of truth. I told her that I wish to think of my body as a sacred landscape. It was my best friend in NYC who first gave me this thought. If I think about my whole Self, receiving the treatment, and if I nourish my whole self and not just my womb, I am harvesting my sacred landscape. It sounds a little ethereal, but it helps to validate and reinforce the Self. That way , no time is wasted time on this journey. It’s not just two lines on a pregnancy test or the bounty of the final outcome that’s important. It’s the sowing of the seeds, the harvesting and the loving moments we take to nourish the Self, which will fortify us through this challenging time.

I wish you all wisdom, peace and a good harvest.

M

IVF and the Newlywed: Hope and a Wish

"Sometimes our fate resembles a fruit tree in winter.

Looking at its sad appearance who would think that

those stiff branches, those jagged twigs

would turn green again and blossom

and bear fruit next spring;

but we hope they will,

we know they will."

                        -Goethe

This quote was recited on National Public Radio this morning during “The Writer’s Almanac”. It touched me in a way my own thoughts and words cannot.

It reminds me that we each have such a great capacity for beauty, grace and love. I used to think that if our lives resembled trees, family and children would be one of the branches. Now I know, that for me, it is the trunk, the root. The green core of my center.

I think I will go to the sea this weekend and throw in a stone in to the water. I will make a wish, and part of that wish will be reserved for YOU as well (yes YOU, reading this!). If all of our wishes were cast out onto the sea at the same time, imagine how the current would change, the waves would crest and the weather would beckon different tidings.

What could it hurt? I think of the childhood story, “Horton Hears a Who,” when all the Who’s shouted “We are here! We are here!” and a large, courageous roar was heard from the strata of a dustball. What if we all made a wish, for ourselves, for the other women and men experiencing this baby-making journey, for all the babies lost and found. What if we ALL did this, just put love and hope and healing power out there? Do you think we would FEEL IT?

I do.

It’s Goethe’s birthday today. He was a famous German writer and philosopher who seemed to have changed the world in his time. Born in 1749, he lived for 83 years. What do you suppose Goethe would think, if he knew his quotes were translated to English in a COUNTRY that did not exist for most of his younger life, recited over the RADIO, pulled from the INTERNET and re-presented on a BLOG about IVF ?

Oh, the power of words.

What would my day have been like if I had not awoken to reading this quote from the Writer’s Almanac on my Blackberry this morning? The sun casting long shadows into our small bedroom. My body aching for a sign. Just something to hold on to today as we form the next steps of our journey and prepare for the emotional load.

I feel like I can hear my grandmother’s voice telling me to “breathe”, and reassuring me that all I need can be found inside myself, if I dig for it and believe in it. It will happen…Whatever that path or journey, wisdom and experience are to be found with each change of direction….

I don’t know what’s next for us. IVF again, a break, Donor eggs, Adoption? Each path offers it’s own bliss and shortfalls. What I can do TODAY however, is try my damnest to treasure these moments in between. The sun on my face, the strength in my backbone, a radiant, beating heart.

Wishing you strength, wisdom and JOY!

M

Another poem on the Almanac today:

Not Swans

by Susan Ludvigson

I drive toward distant clouds and my mother's dying.

The quickened sky is mercury, it slithers

across the horizon. Against that liquid silence,

a V of birds crosses-sudden and silver.

They tilt, becoming white light as they turn, glitter

like shooting stars arcing slow motion out of the abyss,

not falling.

          Now they look like chips of flint,

the arrow broken.

          I think, This isn't myth-

they are not signs, not souls.

                                        Reaching blue

again, they're ordinary ducks or maybe

Canada geese. Veering away they shoot

into the west, too far for my eyes, aching

as they do.

      Never mind what I said

before. Those birds took my breath. I knew what it meant.

"Not Swans" by Susan Ludvigson, from Sweet Confluence: New and Selected Poems. © Louisiana State University Press, 2000

FIND IT HERE: The Writer’s Almanac http://www.elabs7.com/functions/message_view.html?mid=837262&mlid=499&siteid=20130&uid=6959020fe3

The Little Engine That Could

"I think I can-I think I can- I think I can-aaaaarrrrrgh!"

It's a gorgeous friday morning here and the birds are calling outside my window. The Boston commuter traffic is still hushed, but soon it will resemble a soft, metallic roar. I can see Tobin Bridge and the Bunker Hill Monument from my window.

This solitude distracts me from the remains of the day. In a half hour I will dress, shower (hopefully) and go get a blood test, ending my two week wait. It's only been two weeks since IVF and it feels like forever. I'm nervous for the outcome of this test ....I want a break a trend in our test taking and get some favorable news this time.

I'm sorry. I wanted this to be a funny (or at least charming and irreverent) post today, but I don't have it in me.(Chuga Chugga Chug). Maybe if I count my blessings I will see it in a different way....When my beloved niece was born, my sister would sit with her in her arms and ask her to count her blessings. Since she really couldn't talk, much less gurgle,  my sister would tell her all the beautiful, wonderful things she had to look forward to, and the things in her life she would one day value. "You are healthy, you are beautiful, you are loved..." Sometimes it is so simple. So important.

Maybe I'll adopt that mantra today (I'm sure my baby niece won't mind), instead of "I think I can (get pregnant)- I think I can (make it through the day)", I'll say simply this.... I think it's true for all of us:

"I am healthy. I am beautiful. I am loved."

Make up your own mantra for the day. At the very least , it's something we can do for ourselves to speed our caboose along.

Wishing you joy!

Fill Your Cup

For all those wild women going through the baby making process, I salute you! I wish I could take you all out  for a pedicure and a glass of proseco. Since this is not possible, I will do what little I can to add humor to your day.

Here are 5 suggestions to help make  this process a little less rocky  .....

1. FILL YOUR CUP. Find something that you can pour your hopes and energy into. 

I'm talking about something for YOU! I knew a social worker once who said that life is like a leaky paper cup. We spend so much of our time giving our "essence" to our jobs, friends, lovers and material pursuits that soon our cup is empty. We have nothing left to give to ourselves. FILL YOUR CUP with something that fortifies and enriches you. For me it is the belly dance I've adopted each morning. This BLOG has helped me put my hopes into the universe. My COUNCILLOR has been a guiding force and fantastic sounding board. The ladies at work I MENTOR have helped me learn a thing or two about life (as well as Gen Y) and refresh my SPIRIT with the philanthropy benefits we take on together. These are things I do, but you must find your own passions to keep your essence alive. It may take time away from your aforementioned job and lover but you will have so much more to give back!

This process of adding on to your family is hard whether it's adoption, IVF, surrogacy, or the plain au' natural method. It's easy for a woman (or man) to feel lost in it. To feel less than whole. You must do things for yourself to replenish your spirit.

2. NOURISH your body. 

A friend of mine uses this word often, and the assonance of the vowels roll off her tongue like smoke rings. NOOOUUUURISH your body! It sounds so simple but so easily overlooked. YOU are going to the the incubator of the future most loved person in your world, and YOU need to take care of YOU. Granted I like a good donut once in a while, but all I am saying is do things that make you feel like you are lovin' on yourself. I experiment with acupuncture, cooking yummy soups, and slathering lotion all over my big, lustful body. Find your own way to nourish and fortify yourself. You'll feel better : )

3. NAME YOUR ALTER EGO.

When I was single and seething with vitality and lust I had an alter ego named CELESTE. I envisioned her as a cat with soft silver hair, green eyes , and a rhinestone tiara. Celeste was obviously me, but she was an uber-confident coquette that I needed to call upon when I felt a shy insecurity creeping in. Sometimes I would call upon Celeste when I had to do a big presentation at work and had knocky knees, or when I needed a little extra chutspah (translated: girlpower) on a first date.

NOW my alter ego is TARRA. She presented herself one day after I began the series of  hormone screeching shots I needed to take leading up to IVF. Tarra is a pterodactyl. Now, while pterodactyls

Alter ego? Or predator?

 are not as cute and cuddly as a domesticated house cat, they CAN fly and they do have their own "special" beauty. I think they even have talons! My Tarra hisses sometimes (especially on the meds) but my husband knows it's NOT ME, it's Tarra! We even joke about it if she says something particularly heinous. I just put my hand to my mouth. Then we blame her (she sits on my shoulder) and we go on with our day....

Now my man had taken up his own alter ego. His name is Bronto. I just found out he's a brontosaurous. So when Tarra throws a shit storm, Bronto snaps back. Then, we laugh at them both and share a pizza. (By the way, pizza is on the list of nourishing foods!)

4. READ a slutty summer novel.

I'm joking here, but I have found with the shots, hormones and Doctor visits that it HAS helped me to have a mental break into some steamy summer novel. It's like taking a vacation without  leaving the waiting room.

5. TALK to your friends- but set ground-rules!

We can't help it. Throughout all of time women have benefited by a little "kibitzing" with other women. Who else but your best friend is going to let you talk about your vagina and not hold it against you? Now there does come a point when we ALL (myself included) get a little obsessed and talk about it- and this experience- a little too much. Know when to stop! 

And as far as ground-rules go, my sister (wise woman that she is), told me when I began this journey to let people know what you are comfortable with and what might be "don't ask, don't tell". For example, I appreciate that my friends and family ask me "how are you doing?" It's an open careful question that I can explore as deeply as I wish to. I have asked them not to ask for dates or those queasy details that maybe  I'm not ready to divulge. Why are dates on the No-No list? Because every dear friend and Jewish (or not) mother remembers all the dates you tell her, and will follow up promptly (out of love) to see how it went. Maybe you are not ready to announce the results of your two week wait, or you need some mental processing time. The "no dates" rule keeps things from being time bound so you can disclose what you want, when you want to. 

Much love, luck and happiness to you. I hope it helps!

M.