Newlywed Diaries: Bermuda Blues

We’re in Bermuda and I just found a wireless connection. 

I promise I am not a career-obsessed woman, or an addicted blogger (although my husband would beg to differ). I was on my way to the ferry this morning, with the cool aqua water in sight, and I had to turn back because I left my phone in the B&B. Today is “Baby’s day out”  so to speak. It’s a wee bit of “me time” where the Bear and I go off and do our own thing, and then come back together, grateful for the freedom our relationship provides. The Bear is golfing today. It was my anniversary present to him.  A tee time at the club of his choice. My “me time” was to involve a ferry trip to the Dockyard in a neighboring Parish, a bit of run cake, a sip of rum swizzle and some SHOPPING for local goods. Unfortunately, I missed the ferry and the next one is in an hour.

Halfway there, sweating like an animal, I realized I left the phone back up the hill. For a moment I thought, “I would not have to go back if I was SINGLE.” But now, my heart and life are tethered to another person. I was surprised at my frustrated reaction. I was a single, independent woman for so long, these little thoughts seem to pop up unannounced. 

It’s not that my single life was “better” than my married one. At times I remember feeling as if I could die of loneliness. But the choices and the experiences were mine alone. I did not have to answer to anyone, but I did not have anyone I loved to come home to, either.

Yesterday we took the bus out to horsehoe beach, and the water was the most exquisite aqua I have ever seen. We frolicked in the waves and then enjoyed rum swizzles on the way back to Hamilton.

We are having an amazing time, but I realize now that if we were contestants on Survivor or The Amazing Race, we would probably end in a fireball- or divorce! We do not always travel well together. He’s a “barker” when he’s stressed and I am a bit of a princess. I love exploring and soaking everything in, but I don’t like to push it past my limits. He’s a thrill seeker who’s either living to the fullest, or lounging by the TV. He’s also reticent to try things he has never done before, like new foods or strange places, longing instead to skydive or drive a moped TOO FAST down a windy road. I find those things risky and scary, and try to avoid them.

I know I should not read too much into this. We are both having a wonderful time here, both together and apart, but spending six days on this island with nothing to do but drink RUM and swim and make love and watch TV (: () puts things in a new perspective. We are different in how we handle things, I have known that, but marriage, at times requires work to appreciate and acknowledge differences.

Maybe this was a lesson I was supposed to learn.

Gotta go an try my luck at the ferry again. Phone in hand this time. Any wisdom you choose to share will be greatly appreciated!

Wishing you sunshine and bliss.

M

IVF and the Newlywed: Our Second Trip Around the Sun

Tomorrow marks our first wedding anniversary…..
I never expected to be married, particulary, at the ripe age of 40. But sometimes love throws you for a loop. Had I done it sooner, I might have been with the wrong person. Had I waited, keeping my heart quietly hidden, I would missed out on this jewel of a man.

Our Red Sox Wedding

My husband is a Big Boston Boy. Everything about him is bold and robust. He loves deeply and laughs loudly and has a golden heart.
Who would have imagined that our first year of marriage would be so full of challenges and triumps. The trials of baby-making have certainly hampered our spontaneous romps on the living room floor, but we created loving rituals for all the landmarks of IVF. I know I was meant to be with him, and meant to go on this journey, even though it hasn’t always been easy.
We’re taking a short break from IVF, and I cannot begin to tell you how nice it feels to have my “body” back. I feel whole again. ME again. I am looking forward to enjoying this hiatus from meds and Dr. visits. We leave for the Tropics tomorrow….
Here is a poem I treasure. I used it in our wedding album. I believe LOVE has a way of finding people. It can manifest itself in many forms.

Marriage
BY LAWRENCE RAAB

Years later they find themselves talking
about chances, moments when their lives
might have swerved off
for the smallest reason.
What if
I hadn’t phoned, he says, that morning?
What if you’d been out,
as you were when I tried three times
the night before?
Then she tells him a secret.
She’d been there all evening, and she knew
he was the one calling, which was why
she hadn’t answered.
Because she felt—
because she was certain—her life would change
if she picked up the phone, said hello,
said, I was just thinking
of you.
I was afraid,
she tells him. And in the morning
I also knew it was you, but I just
answered the phone
the way anyone
answers a phone when it starts to ring,
not thinking you have a choice.

*****************************************************

…..And this is always one that tingles the loins….

One Hundred Love Sonnets: XVII
BY PABLO NERUDA

I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz,
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as one loves certain obscure things,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom but carries
the light of those flowers, hidden, within itself,
and thanks to your love the tight aroma that arose
from the earth lives dimly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you directly without problems or pride:
I love you like this because I don’t know any other way to love,
except in this form in which I am not nor are you,
so close that your hand upon my chest is mine,
so close that your eyes close with my dreams.


TRANSLATED BY MARK EISNER

IVF and the Newlywed: The Secret Garden

I just wrote a love letter to a Farmer in Mass.

He’s the grower at the Farm-share that we recently joined. When you live in a big city and have no “dirt” of your own, it’s inspiring to still reap the benefits of freshly grown food. Maybe it’s more meaningful to me right now, as my mind is very focused on sowing a bountiful harvest, both inside and outside of my person!

Yesterday was a rainy fall prelude, nestled between ripe sunny days. Secretly, I LOVE drizzly, sunless mornings (provided they don’t come too often). I light candles and bake; cooking hearty stews I pull from my old recipes. Rainy weekends force me to SLOW DOWN. There’s something about the womblike silence of a foggy day that brings me back to center.

 I keep listening to the Energy that surrounds me, again

telling me to BREATHE, and that everything will be clear in due time. The rain yesterday brought me a little time to think. My husband and I sat in the warm glow of dusk, and feasted on our bounty from the farm. We talked of hopes and plans. I realized that what’s been tormenting me, even more than our recent loss, is the uncertainty of what to do next.

 Before we spoke, adoption, egg donation, and IVF all offered

equal possibilities and equal anxiety. But once we broke each possibility down, the fog seemed to lift a little.

 I need a break from these meds and this IVF rollercoaster.

I’m afraid to loose another one, but I’m open to doing it one more time and then re-accessing. There is of course, a clause in all of this. I will have the rest of this month, and possibly next, to bask in my own power and take a BREAK. That means no doctors, no blood tests, no ultrasounds, no shots, etc etc!!! I can enjoy acupuncture and bikini waxes without worrying about the next person checking out my “candyland”. We can have sex based on passion and our own hope for procreation, and when he has to (or chooses to) blow his horn, he won’t be doing so because a nurse has called to advise us that it’s “time”. We can “come” and “go” freely for four to six weeks! I’ve forgotten what that feels like!

 Then , after my holiday of primal bliss, I will thereafter

succumb to a cycle of medically assisted reproduction.  I will be a happy patient, probably a little more grounded because I’ve given myself a chance to rest. We will supplement with acupuncture and Chinese herbs, and try to find time to enjoy our second year of marriage.

In the event that the next round of IVF is not successful, we will re-access and decide if we should give it another go, or form a new plan. I think we will explore receiving a donor egg, if we need to. I think any child born or received into love is one which is treasured and holy. I do not think I need to be the genetic mother of this baby to be its mother.  

We talked of adoption, but when I asked him what was truly in his heart, he said that he wanted to go on the journey of experiencing a birth together. He said he wanted to be there for Dr. visits and feel the baby kick in my belly. It made me feel very close to him.

I think we would like to adopt eventually, but it might be wonderful to go on that journey of love and have a child together. Any child, no matter it’s age, race or origin, would truly be our beloved. I know this as truth, so it’s really about finding the best way to make this happen.

 We spend our whole lives trying to find the “way” don’t we ?

As rebellious teenagers…. as young women landing our first job and finding our selves…. As lovers and mothers and daughters and friends. Can we find the time to reap our “truth” and make our life all we hope it to be?

I’ve talked to my acupuncturist about this harvesting of truth. I told her that I wish to think of my body as a sacred landscape. It was my best friend in NYC who first gave me this thought. If I think about my whole Self, receiving the treatment, and if I nourish my whole self and not just my womb, I am harvesting my sacred landscape. It sounds a little ethereal, but it helps to validate and reinforce the Self. That way , no time is wasted time on this journey. It’s not just two lines on a pregnancy test or the bounty of the final outcome that’s important. It’s the sowing of the seeds, the harvesting and the loving moments we take to nourish the Self, which will fortify us through this challenging time.

I wish you all wisdom, peace and a good harvest.

M

IVF and the Newlywed: Hope and a Wish

"Sometimes our fate resembles a fruit tree in winter.

Looking at its sad appearance who would think that

those stiff branches, those jagged twigs

would turn green again and blossom

and bear fruit next spring;

but we hope they will,

we know they will."

                        -Goethe

This quote was recited on National Public Radio this morning during “The Writer’s Almanac”. It touched me in a way my own thoughts and words cannot.

It reminds me that we each have such a great capacity for beauty, grace and love. I used to think that if our lives resembled trees, family and children would be one of the branches. Now I know, that for me, it is the trunk, the root. The green core of my center.

I think I will go to the sea this weekend and throw in a stone in to the water. I will make a wish, and part of that wish will be reserved for YOU as well (yes YOU, reading this!). If all of our wishes were cast out onto the sea at the same time, imagine how the current would change, the waves would crest and the weather would beckon different tidings.

What could it hurt? I think of the childhood story, “Horton Hears a Who,” when all the Who’s shouted “We are here! We are here!” and a large, courageous roar was heard from the strata of a dustball. What if we all made a wish, for ourselves, for the other women and men experiencing this baby-making journey, for all the babies lost and found. What if we ALL did this, just put love and hope and healing power out there? Do you think we would FEEL IT?

I do.

It’s Goethe’s birthday today. He was a famous German writer and philosopher who seemed to have changed the world in his time. Born in 1749, he lived for 83 years. What do you suppose Goethe would think, if he knew his quotes were translated to English in a COUNTRY that did not exist for most of his younger life, recited over the RADIO, pulled from the INTERNET and re-presented on a BLOG about IVF ?

Oh, the power of words.

What would my day have been like if I had not awoken to reading this quote from the Writer’s Almanac on my Blackberry this morning? The sun casting long shadows into our small bedroom. My body aching for a sign. Just something to hold on to today as we form the next steps of our journey and prepare for the emotional load.

I feel like I can hear my grandmother’s voice telling me to “breathe”, and reassuring me that all I need can be found inside myself, if I dig for it and believe in it. It will happen…Whatever that path or journey, wisdom and experience are to be found with each change of direction….

I don’t know what’s next for us. IVF again, a break, Donor eggs, Adoption? Each path offers it’s own bliss and shortfalls. What I can do TODAY however, is try my damnest to treasure these moments in between. The sun on my face, the strength in my backbone, a radiant, beating heart.

Wishing you strength, wisdom and JOY!

M

Another poem on the Almanac today:

Not Swans

by Susan Ludvigson

I drive toward distant clouds and my mother's dying.

The quickened sky is mercury, it slithers

across the horizon. Against that liquid silence,

a V of birds crosses-sudden and silver.

They tilt, becoming white light as they turn, glitter

like shooting stars arcing slow motion out of the abyss,

not falling.

          Now they look like chips of flint,

the arrow broken.

          I think, This isn't myth-

they are not signs, not souls.

                                        Reaching blue

again, they're ordinary ducks or maybe

Canada geese. Veering away they shoot

into the west, too far for my eyes, aching

as they do.

      Never mind what I said

before. Those birds took my breath. I knew what it meant.

"Not Swans" by Susan Ludvigson, from Sweet Confluence: New and Selected Poems. © Louisiana State University Press, 2000

FIND IT HERE: The Writer’s Almanac http://www.elabs7.com/functions/message_view.html?mid=837262&mlid=499&siteid=20130&uid=6959020fe3

The Things You Give Away

We've MOVED.

Come visit me at http://romancingthestone.wordpress.com

The Things You Give Away….

August 20, 2009 by romancingthestone | Edit

I wanted to confess something….

 

You might be wondering why I called this blog “IVF and the Newlywed” when I haven’t really been spending a whole lotta’ time talking about my uterus or my sprightly egg count. It’s just that I can’t. I find the IVF process itself to be thoroughly exhausting and I have discovered it’s extremely helpful for me to focus my mind on more INSPIRING, EMPOWERING and TASTY topics. Right now, those ethereal things have been the juice that has kept me going. Perhaps it’s a smokescreen to the real “issues” of the fertility-challenged, but at least it keeps me laughing!

 

Now for today’s topic: The stuff you give up…..

When I got married, I traded in my sporty convertible for a lumbering black jeep. (This is not a metaphor!). My lease was up on my car and I was scared to drive it on slippery icy days. I also wondered how MILF-like I would look with a baby seat in the back and the ragtop down. How would you get a kid out of a 2-door sports car anyway?

So in the days between our wedding and reception, my husband and I picked up our new little SUV. We opted for a smaller, boxy kind that had a cleaner engine, 4-wheel drive, and really good gas mileage (relatively speaking). It was a stunning, aloof shade of black, with tinted windows and big sidewall tires. I knew I would feel safe in this car, and I liked the feeling of riding high in the saddle. In Boston, it’s all about being the top-man on the road, as you careen past bad drivers and shout nasty words from your car!!!!! (Often with your windows closed so as not to truly upset anyone!). I was a bad-@ss yuppie.

Lately I’ve been missing my convertible. I’ve also been missing the sofa we gave away to upgrade to “married furniture”. It’s been hard for my husband to understand. Sometimes, when I’m amped up on the baby-med hormone shots I’ll just sit across from the new sofa and glare at it. I even told it “I hate you!” once. (No response from the couch). 

What my husband may or may not understand is that these were my “single” things. A sexy blue sport scar with buff leather seats that screamed “I’m successful and fantastic, and I don’t NEED your money!” And that sofa bed–  one of the first big pieces of furniture that I purchased for myself, acknowledging at the time that I was a new homeowner and was going it alone. Through the years, this couch was my refuge for long nights of girl talk and even longer nights of crazy Fall  s ex. It was soft, and velvety, and it was MINE.

(Oh the things you can do on a rolled arm couch………But I digress!)

I think I miss those things because they represented my former-life to me. The carefree, sassy girl with money to spare. Successful, self-protected, smug. Sometimes I feel like I have traded in an old life for a new one, and gotten rid of my “stuff” but I don’t know what’s going to replace it yet. Will it be sweet baby furniture, or a suburban garden filled with ripe tomatoes and love? Will it be an empty nest? What are the things He and I are “building together”?

Oftentimes, it is that limbo between single lass and newly married lady that makes you feel like you are floating. It’s hard to know what you will land on. Will it be a soft, cushy new sofa, or the floor of an empty nursery?

I talked to my Advisor about this. It came out like gunpowder, “I’m giving up all this stuff, and I don’t know what’s replacing it yet!!!!!” She told me that with every new thing you bring into your life, you have to give up something else. It just happens.

I don’t know what will come into our lives to mark the passage of our first year of marriage. I only know that when I wash the Jeep it SHINES, and when I cuddle on that couch with my Sweetie, there’s no place I’d rather be….

 

Wishing you many happy moments…

IVF and the Red Sox?

I’m putting this out there to see if anyone has any sound advice for a frisky lass like me.

In Boston, the jockey boys seem to be very superstitious. There seems to be some belief that whatever you are doing while good luck abounds, you must KEEP doing it, so as not to jinx your good fortune. There was one year that the Red Sox were winning the pennant, and men just stopped shaving through the winning streak, so as not to “cool” the team. They said it was to “reverse the curse” against the Yankees, and soon began looking more like billy goats than the handsome strapping men they once were. EEEK!

Would a woman resign from shaving her legs while her favorite American Idol was on a winning streak? Would this abundance of leg hair actually seal his or her success?

I mean who would DO THAT????

I bring this up because my husband (g-d love him) is one of these superstitious jocks. He’s been very sweet and cuddly lately but our recent nights have been very G-rated! I mean, we’ve been married less than a year and he’s pulling out old Disney DVD’s to watch instead of trying to “take me” on the carpet. Where’s all the lust and romance I once knew (oh so briefly) in our months pre-IVF?

Finally, I asked him “What's up”?

“I don’t want to be a cooler” he says, alluding to a person who brings bad luck to someone (or a person that might shave during a the Sox’s next winning streak and thus jeopardize their success).”I don’t want to jinx US?”

I realized, once I translated his lingo into something I could understand, that he decided that he won’t shag me until we get a positive pregnancy test. See, we’re on the dreaded two week wait. That seemingly endless time between IVF and the first pregnancy test. Our luck has not been good in the past, leading up to this milestone.

I do hope we get a positive test, but when will he let wood be wood again? Will we make it to home base or will I strike out again?? We all know the first trimester is the hardest. Will this go on for the first three months? The full term? What do I do?

Has this ever happened to anyone else? I wish I could just ask him to forgo chocolate or something, but not sex!!!!