IVF and the Newlywed: The Stone

The Bear and I are going to visit our baby Doctor tomorrow.  I’m dreading it even more than the opening of football season. I love my MD. I think she’s brilliant and strong, and everything I would imagine a professional and self-actualized woman should be. If I wasn’t her patient, and met her at a cocktail party, I’d seek her out as a friend. But sitting across from her in her tiny office, with my husband at my side and her huge computer screen of my charts and statistics blocking my way, I just feel awful.

I used to be the proud , self-actualized woman I see in her. At work I am still seemingly so. But those post-cycle visits where she tells me about what went wrong make me shrivel up like a stone.

There was a time once, a few years ago, where I caught a glimpse of my ovaries on the ultrasound screen. I wasn’t sure what I was seeing, just two tiny orbs of light. When I asked the technician what we were looking at, she said “These are your eggs”.I laid back and I imagined these celestial, radiant things inside of me. This giver of light!

I want to be that girl again. The one who hoped for great things and didn’t see the obstacles between a wish and the prize. The girl who worked hard, made people smile, and was always grateful.

I wish this process didn’t dry us out emotionally. I wish I was still bubbly and effervescent. I hope I find that girl again. I’d like to give her a hug and tell her it’s all going to be okay….